THE PSNI has come under a lot of pressure over its first Garvaghy security assessment – the one that allowed the Parades Commission to give Portadown District permission to walk. Briefly, that assessment was that any decision to allow Orangemen to walk the Garvaghy Road would lead to an outbreak of peace and love in north Armagh. So much so that local maternity hospitals were advised to prepare for an uptick in cross-community births next... July.
The Trevors have come under added pressure as their second Garvaghy security assessment – the one that allowed the Secretary of State to ban the Drumcree parade – fell under a harsh High Court spotlight. Criticism has been levelled in particular at the amount of speculation, guesswork, claim, rumour, scuttlebutt and tittle-tattle contained in the assessment.
It's all a bit harsh on our beleaguered top cop, Jon Boutcher. So in the interests of fairness and humanity, the PSNI has agreed to provide Squinter with its assessment of the assessments...
Dear Secretary of State,
The Garvaghy Road is a busy thoroughfare on the north side of Portadown, or it may be on the south – who knows?
It has a long history of parade-related violence and our information is that that violence is on the minds of some but not all of the Orange Order and some but not all of the people of the Garvaghy Road.
During serious violence in the late-90s, a number of people were murdered, most likely by loyalist paramilitaries, but we have not and cannot rule out the involvement of an IRA false flag unit operating with, or without, the Moonies, and/or elements of International Rescue. While the notorious loyalist terrorist known as King Bat is said to have ordered the murder of Catholics in Portadown, it is possible that he was in fact in Benidorm at the time.
It was our strong opinion that an Orange parade along Garvaghy Road would be a very welcome shot in the arm for community relations, an opinion we amended in the second assessment when we told the Secretary of State that somebody could be shot in the arm. Possibly with a gun. Or possibly not. It was perhaps on the basis of that new assessment that the Orange parade was banned, but it may be that the SoS banned the parade for other reasons entirely. Although we’re not sure.
As to the presence of alleged dissidents, it is not beyond the realms of possibility that there are republicans in the Garvaghy area who do not support Sinn Féin, but we have no evidence at the moment to stand that up. There has been much speculation among politicians and in the press that dissident republicans have access to guns, and we agree that this cannot be ruled out at this stage. We can say, however, with complete certainty that certain dissidents from outside Belfast have been in and around the Garvaghy area in recent weeks, and we arrive at this certainty by way of the simple fact that they now work for us and have been filing daily reports.
As for the DUP’s claim that there were cars full of petrol in the area, we have been unable thus far to ascertain whether or not petrol is sold in the Garvaghy Road area. There is at least one garage that we are aware of, but we have no reports of men filling milk bottles with petrol at the pumps; and anyway, this would take a very long time. Whether or not milk bottles are still available in north Armagh is, again, a matter for conjecture. Beer bottles may have been used as substitutes, but as anyone born before 1990 knows, milk bottles are much easier to fill up than Coors Lite bottles.
We now move on to our first security assessment.
Dear Parades Commission,
While 21 people died last time the Orange tried to march along the Garvaghy Road, much has changed in the area since the last round of riots and funerals.
Please understand that since the PSNI is 70% Protestant and 90% unionist our insight into the Catholic psyche is necessarily limited and our insight into the Portadown Catholic psyche non-existent. Nevertheless, some things never change.
While most Catholics no longer keep coal in the bath or pigs in the kitchen, some traditional traits linger. Like Catholics all over the Province, Garvaghy Catholics are incredibly fond of a Sunday lie-in, most because of hangovers, but also because Saturday night mass is a big thing these days.
35 elderly Prods tiptoeing in their union jack sock-soles along the Garvaghy Road early in the morning are unlikely to wake the Catholics up, but even if some do sit groggily up in bed, the parade will have passed before they can chug a bottle of Lucozade Sport with two paracetamol.
It is unlikely that Catholics will travel from other parts of Ulster to support their Garvaghy co-religionists, as they go easy at the weekends on the mileage on their Motability cars. And public transport isn’t great on a Sunday.
In the unlikely event that some Catholics do manage to fall out of their homes on to the road, we have brought in 100 Scotchies to help us drag them off. The enthusiasm of Scottish police officers will be a massive help and that was demonstrated in spades by the fact that when the notice went up in canteens about officers required to police a Catholic march in Ulster, the appeal was oversubscribed by 300%. While there are very few Catholic officers among our Scottish reinforcements, the same can be said about the PSNI and we seem to get along nicely without them.
It is therefore our considered opinion that you should give the Brethren permission to march along the Garvaghy Road, and in support of that we have attached a large petition in favour of the march devised and signed by PSNI officers keen to see an improvement in community relations in the Portadown area.
Happy marching and should any of the older marchers get tired and need a lift, our officers are standing by.
