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SQUINTER: Loyal Ulster turns down the gift of the union

HEY, Loyal Ulster! The union is safe! Or at least it would be if your addiction to flags didn’t blind you to what’s staring you in the face. Data from the Office of National Statistics this week showed that the North of Ireland – up to recently the financial outside toilet of the union – is now the best-performing region of the UK in terms of prosperity. Economic output has bounced back to almost exactly where it was just before the pandemic. In the third quarter of 2021 it was only 0.3 per below that of the last quarter of 2019 (right). And in another jaw-dropping statistic, the second-placed region in the performance table is the financial boilerhouse of the union, London, where economic output is 1.8 per cent behind where it was at the end of 2019 – and that’s quite a distance between first and second. And the distance between first and last is immense, And what, Loyal Ulster, do you suppose the Financial Times identified as the leading cause of the bounce-back? No, not the pan-nationalist front.No, not the Irish Language Act.No, not two-tier policing.No, not Michael D Higgins.No, not Naomi Long. To the surprise of no-one who is watching developments with the merest sliver of objectivity, the UK’s leading financial publication had this to say of the Hated Provocol, sorry, Protocol. “The economy of Northern Ireland has largely recovered from the hit of Covid-19, marking the best performance across all UK nations and regions, according to experimental official statistics that point to it prospering under the Northern Ireland Protocol.” Now Squinter has never claimed to be a political guru; in fact, his record in predicting developments and events is not one that would trouble his local bookmaker. But it’s clear Brexit has changed the landscape in the North enormously, to the point where the race for a border poll has quickened from a canter to a trot to a gallop. And since any referendum on partition is going to be decided by the floating voters, and since floating voters are going to be massively influenced in their decision on what box to tick by their own personal circumstances, if the North started performing like Singapore instead of Albania then the New Ireland movement’s ‘difficult conversations’ are going to get a lot more difficult. But the good news for the Chucky Crew is that none of the unionist parties has the slightest interest in a six counties with a rising standard of living and a deal of faith in the future. Only pick the battles you can win, wrote Sun Tzu in The Art of War, but it appears that neither Geoffrey Donaldson, Doug Beattie or Jim Allister are up to speed with pre-Christian Chinese military philosophy, because in calling for the Protocol to be binned and not tweaked or improved, they’ve painted themselves into a red, white and blue corner from which there is no survivable retreat. Because of course the Protocol’s going nowhere. After a comprehensive slapping down by the insanely powerful Ways and Means Committee of the US Congress, David Frost’s comically dramatic threats to the EU about triggering Article 16 have ceased and the British Government now wants to talk about fixing instead of ditching. The problem is that if by this time next year we were all booking holidays to the West Indies, building conservatories and telling Sinn Féin canvassers to go away round their own door the DUP, UUP and TUV would still be calling for empty shelves and for more sewage in our waters because, just as the Irish Sea border doesn’t actually exist in the sea, unionist opposition to the Protocol doesn’t exist in any economic reality. It’s about an unrequited yearning to belong to a place that at worst groans and slaps its forehead every time the North is mentioned and at best shrugs its shoulders. It’s about an identity and culture whose fatal flaw is that the greater part of it is umbilically connected to somebody else’s identity and culture. Somebody else’s flag. Somebody else’s sword dance. Somebody else’s battles. And when that somebody else left you with the neighbours to go off on their own, well…

A proud and sad farewell to Dennis the hero

Hero. n. A person who is admired for their courage, outstanding achievements or noble qualities. APPARENTLY Dennis Hutchings was a hero. A “great man,” according to former Veterans Minister Johnny Mercer, speaking at his funeral, who was being laid to rest “by a grateful nation”. There’s been a hell of a lot of oul’ guff talked about what happened in that field in County Tyrone in 1974 and afterwards, mostly by people who haven’t taken the time to apprise themselves of the facts of the matter. So, herewith a reader-friendly overview of the killing of John Pat Cunningham and the meaning of ‘hero’. Immediately after the shooting, Hutchings, who was leader of the patrol involved in the killing, gave a series of “no comment’ interviews to investigators (also known as colleagues). In other words, he had been in charge of a unit which had been responsible for shooting a young man with learning difficulties in the back and he refused to say what happened. Might hiding the facts about that be described as “a noble quality”? Clearly in England it might. And in parts of our own loyal province, where prominent unionists have been tripping over themselves to pay tribute to a man who, it seems, single-handedly averted a civil war. Questioned a year later, Hutchings continued to reply “no comment” when asked what happened in the field at Benburb. And that was that – until the past came back to order him to attention. Faced by m’learned friends in court this year, Hutchings continued to rack up the “outstanding achievements” that are the dictionary definition of a hero. An Irish Times report reads: “A British Army veteran charged in relation to the fatal shooting of a man with learning difficulties does not accept that he fired any shots, his trial has heard.” The report continued: “In relation to the fatal shooting on June 15th, 1974, a defence barrister said Hutchings accepted he was in the field where the incident happened, but nothing else.” So there sat the brave old soldier in the dock, his medals pinned proudly to his chest, lying through his teeth about the slaughter of a vulnerable young man whose trousers were held up with baling twine and who was wearing odd socks when he fled terrified from Hutchings and his chums. Is that an “outstanding achievement” or is it a “noble quality”. Both, probably, says the DUP. So up to now and over the course of 47 years Hutchings has refused to say a dickybird about what he saw in the field when John Pat was cut down. And now as he sits in court with the cheers of a grateful nation ringing in his ears he has said he didn’t fire any shots. Which kind of suggests that Hutchings isn’t the sharpest bayonet in the barrack room since it was established when his rifle was taken from him all those years ago that he had in fact fired three shots. Hutchings therefore sounded the retreat, as this Belfast Telegraph report shows: “Dennnis Hutchings is to claim he fired only warning shots in the direction of a vulnerable young man while on duty with the army in County Tyrone in 1974.” So, to recap on Hutchings’ contribution over nearly half a century to the cause of truth and justice:“No comment.”“Didn’t fire any shots.”“Fired warning shots.” Easy to see why the DUP and the UUP were represented at his funeral alongside the Rolling Thunder veterans’ motorbike club, whose members are a bit like Hell’s Angels, only they smell of Vicks and talcum powder instead of Jack Daniels and weed. Right, what have we established so far? Well, we know that Hutchings refused to say what he knew about what happened in that field. We know that he lied his ging-gangs off about having fired no shots. And we know that his claim to have fired shots in the air is to be considered in the light of the fact that he’s a proven dissembler and liar. So that’s the dictionary definitions of “outstanding achievements” and “noble qualities” taken care of. What about “A person who is admired for their courage”? Let’s see now… Five shots were fired at John Pat that day. Or, if we take the word of proven liar and concealer-of-truth Hutchings, at him or over his head. The gentle, snowy-haired grandad, known before his date with the dock as Soldier A, fired three shots. A colleague, Soldier B, fired three shots. And of course Hutchings claims he fired his shots in the air, which means that he has pointed the finger of blame firmly in the direction of his old army chum, who fired the other two unaccounted-for shots. And does that old soldier admit that, yes, I shot a vulnerable young man in the back as he was running away from me and posing absolutely no danger? Well, no, actually, he doesn’t, for the very simple reason that he is dead. And, so, going by the evidence given by Hutchings, it was Soldier B what done it and he’s not around to say whether the proven liar is lying again. So, while Hutchings stabbed his old army chum in the back, he definitely didn’t shoot anybody in the back because he fired his shots in the air. It was his oul’ mate who did the foul deed, according to Hutchings. Is chucking your deceased chum under a Chieftain tank something that renders Hutchings “admired for his courage”? In Tory England and unionist Ulster it is. But what Soldier B’s family think about that brave veteran getting hung out to dry is a question that hasn’t yet been asked, much less answered. Which brings us finally the question of maths. John Pat Cunningham suffered three wounds: one to the back, one to the shoulder and one to the hand. Soldier B, the guilty man according to – all together now – Dennis Hutchings, fired two shots. Hutchings, according to liar Hutchings, fired his three shots in the air. So how come John Pat suffered three injuries? It is possible, naturally, that a single bullet can cause two wounds, but that theory will now never be stress-tested in court. And all we are left with is the evidence of Dennis Hutchings. Who claimed he never fired any shots. And then said he did. In the air. Who repeatedly said “no comment” when asked what happened to an innocent young man lying dead in a field with a bullet in his back. All hail the hero.

SQUINTER: Drums of war beat ever-louder... in Brussels?

“PREPARED for peace, ready for war.” Most of you reading that line will think of the loyalist mural (right) at the entrance to the Mount Vernon estate on the Shore Road, an image which has been tinkered with by online satirists countless times. It’s not something you might expect an EU diplomat to come up with, is it? “Préparé pour la paix, prêt pour la guerre.” Doesn’t have the same pithy impact in French, does it? “Fertig für freiden und kampfbereit auch.” Doesn’t set the pulse racing in the same way that North Belfast English does. “Preparada para la paz, dispuesta para la guerra.” Spanish is much too lyrical for such bleak sentiments, dontcha think? Well, not according to the English media, which this week is breathlessly reporting that a senior EU figure said in relation to the prospect of the UK triggering Article 16 that Brussels was, altogether now… “prepared for peace, but ready for war.” While this caused much indignant harrumphing among Home Counties Tories and Daily Mail-reading retired colonels, it was particularly galling for UUP leader Doug Beattie, an old soldier who knows the touch of cold steel and the deadly clatter of live fire. “The comments attributed to a senior EU diplomat that ‘We are ready for peace, but prepared for war’ are scandalous,” thundered Doug, his war medals clanking on his chest as he shook with fury. “This isn’t a game. They are playing with people’s lives and needlessly ramping up tensions that will have consequences for the people of Northern Ireland who deserve better.” Fixing bayonet and charging forward with a bloodcurdling yell, Doug added: “I would urge the EU to immediately withdraw these comments and admonish the diplomat who uttered them. They owe the people of Northern Ireland an apology. The people of Northern Ireland need solutions to the problems caused by the Protocol, not heightened tensions and war-like rhetoric.” TUV leader Jim Allister might not have experienced the white-heat of combat, but he still knows a thing or two about fighting battles. “It’s quite clear that the EU is quite deliberately trying to taunt and be provocative. It tells us a great deal about the pernicious, malevolent intent of the EU as epitomised in those appalling word used this morning.” Click your heels and salute that, Ulster. DUP leader Sir Jeffrey Donaldson may never have seen the whites of the enemy’s eyes when he was on UDR roadblock duty, but he knows how and when to fire a warning shot. He ordered the EU to distance itself from the ‘Prepared for peace, ready for war’ comment and called for the Irish Government to use its influence to silence the Brussels hawks. Extraordinarily convenient, of course, that the EU would turn the temperature up to such a degree, giving such a huge delivery of ammunition to its staunchest critics in Belfast, who are all too exquisitely aware of the historical import of that sentence from the mural. And it was blessed relief for Boris Johnson just as he found himself in the midst of a massive corruption scandal. So who was this EU diplomat – and to whom did they utter those fateful words? Well, we don’t know who, as the source was unnamed. But we do know that the words were said to the Daily Telegraph, which by sheer coincidence is a hysterically pro-Brexit, anti-EU paper which remains extremely close to its former star columnist, who is, altogether now… Boris Johnson. Which all seems fine.

SQUINTER: Leave your politics at the sweet shop door

HAPPY to report that the majority of people who joined in a recent debate on Chinese food in the north versus Chinese food in the South agreed with Squinter that the chow mein is better north of Newry and the chicken curry deteriorates when the further west you go from Derry. It’s a debate that’s been had before, of course, but it’s a debate that keeps taking place because the truth is never found. Why on Earth should Chinese food be different in two parts of the same island? It’s not an Asian regional thing, because the difference exists whether you’re in a gaff that does Szechuan or one that specialises in Cantonese. It’s clearly down to Irish regional preferences, but what exactly those are will in all probability be constantly discussed, but never known. Reminds Squinter a wee bit of the number of times he’s asked people why it takes so long to bury a person in England. Countless words and multiple theories have been proferred on why that is, but Squinter remains as ignorant of the reason as on the first day he asked the question. Not that the border divides Galway gastronomes and Enniskillen epicureans on Chinese food alone, of course. There’s the great Tandragee Tayto versus Free Stayto question. In Squinter’s experience, the crisp debate is carried on with rather a large helping of politics on the side. Is it a coincidence that, in Squinter’s experience, the vast majority of united Irelanders plump for the County Meath cheese ’n’ onion, while the County Armagh version gets a virtually unanimous thumbs-up from the Red Hands of Loyal Ulster? The statistics are too stark to be a coincidence, which begs the question, can your position on the national question actually affect your taste buds, or could it be that lots of people lying to themselves? If Squinter’s being honest, he’s pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to tell them apart in a blind tasting, although they do say in Portadown that if you look at the two Tayto bags the eyes on the southern Mr Tayto are much closer together – and it’s hard to argue with that.

SQUINTER: Disagreeable truth about that anti-vax mob

SOME Covid conspiracy wallopers visited the constituency office of Infrastructure Minister Nicola Mallon to deliver a “letter of liability” to the SDLP North Belfast representative, accusing her of placing children in danger through her support of vaccination.

SQUINTER: But the Ra... the online conversation-stopper

HERE’S a conversation Squinter had on Twitter recently. It’s a museum-quality example of a familiar unionist tactic from the past that has made its way easily and seamlessly on to modern social media. It’s called the ‘But the Ra’ Gambit. So Squinter was making a point about the UK’s insistence on the renegotiation of a Protocol they signed up to was a bit like Squinter demanding that his mortgage-provider give him better terms on his repayment plan. A little facile? Perhaps? A perfect analogy? Not at all. But ‘Mr Virtue Signal’ came back to say that the Protocol was in fact an “unequal treaty foisted upon a weaker party who was under duress and who hoped to secure changes over time”. Which was, as Squinter pointed out, not in keeping with the simple facts of the case, ie that the Protocol was co-written by the UK and that it was sold to the British public as a spiffing, oven-ready deal to win an election. At this point Mr Virtue Signal appeared to run out of Protocol steam and resorted to the But the Ra Gambit. “Seem to remember there were some chaps running around Ireland 100 years ago arguing that they should be able to make their own laws and govern themselves”.

SQUINTER: Vouchermania as Covid bumps into Brexit

THE site dealing with applications for the £100 shopping voucher crashed on its opening morning, to the surprise of absolutely no-one. It might be argued that those going straight online are rather like the people who immediately stand up when the plane lands, but the Malaga to Belfast analogy only stacks up if you accept it’s just childlike impatience that is driving the early flood of voucher applications. A hundred quid to spend as the Halloween and Christmas seasons approach may not be a big deal to those leaning back in their chairs, lacing their fingers behind their heads and promising to wait until next week or next month. But if you’re sitting with a young family, no food in the fridge and no money for your electricity card, of course you’re going to try to get your hands on the money as soon as possible. And the last thing you want to hear is a lecture from somebody with a bit of a roughness telling you to chill out and wait a while.

SQUINTER: Gregory’s putting the President in his place

AS the furious furore surrounding the decision by President Michael D. Higgins not to accept an invite to an ecumenical church service in Armagh broke out, the DUP was left with something of a challenge. Who should we put out to express our outrage at a slap in the face for respect and a shared future? Clearly, it would have to be someone well-known for his or her commitment to a shared future and tp respect; someone who would be able to speak with gravitas and authority on the subject of good relations; someone who will make an audience sit up and pay attention when the subject of living together arises. And so they picked... Gregory Campbell. Oh, yeah, Gregory ‘Curry My Yoghurt’ Campbell, whose most notable foray into the tricky territory of mutual respect got him barred from addressing the Assembly in 2014 for a day.

SQUINTER: Ulster media word to the wise

DERRY group the Holywell Trust is in the process of reviewing the language used by the media in the North. The research it’s engaged in is part of the Future Relationships Conversations Project, which is part-funded by the Irish Department of Foreign Affairs, which of course is headed up by unionist Brexit bête noir Simon Coveney. So some crowd from Derry’s involved. Dublin’s involved. Simon Coveney’s involved. Ergo it must be a dastardly plot to do down the PUL people of This Here Pravince and advance the cause of a united Ireland. Loyal Ulster reacted with thrillingly predictable fury. East Londonderry MP Gregory Campbell told the Belfast Telegraph: “People have a right to be concerned about the Irish government̵’s contributions to ‘language’ in the media in Northern Ireland. “It is absolutely right that the media should be held accountable for inaccuracies or biases, but this report smells like an attempt to sway the language and promote coverage that is sympathetic to nationalism and funded by the Irish government. The case for Northern Ireland’s place in the UK is strong and unilateral reporting needs are exposed, as I have often done, but this politically toxic way of doing it is unacceptable.” The DUP man added: “I will never shy away from criticising the media when they do something wrong, while maintaining a free and independent press is the cornerstone of a fair society. Simon Coveney’s departmental funding for evaluating what is communicated to the public should also be subject to public scrutiny.” The TUV’s Steven Cooper told the Irish Government to “mind its own business”.“The broadcast media in Northern Ireland is regulated by UK law. The Dublin Government has no role in formulating or, potentially, amending that law,” he said. “What is broadcast in this part of the United Kingdom is no more part of Dublin’s remit than the content of RTE is of the Department of Culture, Media and Sport in London. Frankly, Dublin should mind its own business and not be permitted to continue their belligerence and unwanted interference in UK affairs.” The Ulster commentariat weighed in too. Writing in the News Letter, Henry McDonald noted: “I find it telling that the tender also refers to an organisation called the Future Relationship Conversations team, which talks about Brexit and the possibility of a border poll being more likely. “This suggests to me that those behind the project are nationalists and that it is they who are somewhat upset about the uncomfortable topics and issues the Nolan Show and perhaps others in journalism might cover locally. “It find it equally revealing that Irish Foreign Minister Simon Coveney’s department is co-funding the ‘research’ into the Northern Ireland media. It is deeply troubling that a state, any state let alone one at present which is regarded as increasingly hostile by a majority of unionists, should be sponsoring a project that many believe is designed to shut down debate, censor reporting and dictate media agendas.” But wait. What’s this? In a statement responding to queries about its funding of the project, the Deparment of Foreign Affairs in Dublin said: “This funding was to support a broad ranging project involving dialogue and research in relation to options for future relationships and constitutional arrangements on the island of Ireland without any predetermined outcome or agenda. The project was intended to draw out diverse views, with a particular focus on those from a Protestant, Unionist, or Loyalist tradition. “It also envisaged conducting research into relevant topics intended to support an informed and constructive dialogue that would support reconciliation. “The particular topics for research were to be identified during the project through dialogue and engagement by the Holywell Trust. “The Department of Foreign Affairs had no role in deciding what particular areas should be included.” So, let’s see now. The project places a particular focus on the concerns and view of the PUL community. And Mr Coveney’s department had no say in drawing up the subjects that the project would tackle. So Ulster was exhibiting its familiar furious furiosity about an initiative that was designed to be nice to it. Nice. And because there are certain people out there who wouldn’t believe a word that came out of Dublin’s mouth, here’s what Paul Gosling of the Holywell Trust, had to say about the nature and make-up of the media language initiative: “It has to be stressed the idea came from engagement with unionists.” More proof, if more proof were needed, of unionism propensity to kick off even when there’s nothing to kick off about. Mr Gosling added: “It’s really important to stress that the Holywell Trust is a non-partisan peace and reconciliation charity and the purpose of this work is to make sure we have a sensible, rational conversation that brings people together whatever the future of the constitutional arrangement.” Now Squinter’s doesn’t know whether those who claimed this project was a dastardly republican plot were unacquainted with the facts or were fully aware of the facts of the case but cracked ahead anyway because anger is their factory setting. But as much of the critical commentary took place well after Mr Gosling had laid out his stall in an interview with the Belfast Telegraph, you do get the feeling that this was more than a failure of due diligence.

SQUINTER: Losing the Protocol numbers game yet again

THE Jamie-Jimbo roadshow was in Enniskillen on Thursday night for the latest mass loyalist protest over the iniquitous NI Protocol©. A car park had been booked for the Nolan Twins (if, indeed, it is possible to book a car park) and the Parades Commission had been notified that 500 protestors would be marching behind a loyalist band to the union jack-draped decorating table at which the honoured guest speakers would be seated. Next day the organisers put up a short clip of the flute band entering the empty car park, but of protestors there was no sign. Which was strange seeing as how public protests are designed to create filmic and photographic images to be used to advance whatever it is that’s being complained about.

SQUINTER: New jobs for the Brexit boys (and girls)

BRITISH Trade Secretary Liz Truss has appointed ten new trade envoys as the UK continues to reap the benefits of Brexit. No.10 may be considering giving emergency visas to 10,000 truck drivers from the EU in order to fill some of the gaps in the supermarket shelves, but when Liz is nailing deals trade deals with the likes of Trinidad and Tobago and Upper Volta on an almost six-monthly basis, scaldy shelves in Lidl and Sainsbury’s pale into insignificance. The most high-profile figure to be handed one of the posts is Lord Beefy Botham, ennobled by Boris Johnson for cheating on his missus and backing Brexit. Oh, and because he played a bit of cricket. Beefy has been handed the task of selling pork pies and Watney’s Red Barrel to the Aussies, although what expertise he has in the field of sales is not entirely clear at present. And if he’s got the gig because of his profile and his likeability then his bitter and long-running feud with Aussie cricket hero Greg Chappell – which has turned to fisticuffs at times – then you’d have to say that Beefy is not likely to shift many frozen Yorkshire puddings in Kookaburra Creek. But it’s two appointments of local interest that piqued Squinter’s interest. Baroness Hoey of Royal Ulsterland is the new trade envoy for Ghana, which annually takes about £50m of British textiles and some £40m of machinery and parts. What Kate’s going to bring to the table when it comes to thread and generators is anybody’s guess. While she does have a rather large and natty collection of scarves, Squinter can’t say he’s ever seen her on a machinery stand at the Balmoral Show. Becoming a grid girl for JCB represents something of a closing of the political circle for the Baroness, who started her political journey in the 70s as a member of the pro-united Ireland International Marxist Group. She’s gone from rubbing shoulders with Labour firebrands to sitting beside wee Jamie Bryson and Jim Allister on the back of a union-jack-draped lorry in Newtownards spouting dire warnings about the Protocol to a half-empty town square.

SQUINTER: Sweet Caroline turns a bit sour for the Beeb

IT seems the UEFA Super Cup final between Chelsea and Villareal at Parc de Windsor last Wednesday night was a stunning success for Our Wee Country. Or at least, that’s the way BBC This Here Pravince saw it. A celebratory edition of Talkback on the wireless on Thursday excitedly and breathlessly took us through every aspect of a red letter day for local tourism, inviting figures from the hospitality sector on to tell us why the match had single-handedly revived the industry’s failing fortunes and why the unforgettable event meant that a border poll is now but a distant dream. (Squinter’s willing to admit he may have imagined that last bit amidst the din of the cheers and the trumpet blasts.) And yet social media on Wednesday evening and Thursday morning was dominated by one Super Cup story – and it wasn’t the one about Chelsea fans being led to Windsor by a loyalist flute band, which somehow escaped the programme’s attention. It began with a clip somebody put up on Twitter of a feature piece on BBC Newsline at teatime on Wednesday painting an idyllic picture of Chelsea fans arriving in Belfast city centre for the big game. After some boilerplate interviews with Chelsea fans (“Uwstah froi? Cushty!” “Behfawst? Lahvly, lahvly peepow.”) and some standard soccer chanting, the voiceover told us: “Nearby, a more familiar song was being sung.” Scene: A gazebo full of beer-guzzling, union jack-draped Chelsea fans.Place: Sandy Row.The familiar strains of Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline fill the airwaves, Cockney voices lustily join in the chorus.Hands touching hands,Reaching out, touching me, touching you,(Altogether now!)Sweet Caroline,F**k the Pope,Good times never seemed so good…(Setra, setra setra.) Or at least, that’s what Squinter heard loud and clear – and that’s what was heard by many people expressing surprise and even shock on social media that such a thing made it on to the local BBC’s teatime news,which is usually about as edgy as a Hugo Duncan roadshow. As the controversy gathered pace, Ormeau Avenue decided that an intervention was required in order to assert some control over a story that was galloping away from them. And in very short order a missive from the second most important man at BBC Ulster after Nolan was delivered to the waiting masses. “We are confident that there was no audio of swearing on our programme tonight. However, we accept that we cannot be sure of the intentions of everyone in the video and for that reason we will not run the clip again.” Having worked in this business for 30 years-plus, Squinter has extensive experience of statements, and for a two-sentence effort there’s a lot to unpack there. The first thing to say is that absolutely nobody was complaining about the word ‘f**k’ allegedly being sung on TV. Swearing was not the issue. What they were complaining about was quite simply the sectarianism of those in the gazebo they believed to have insulted the head of the Catholic Church on the local news. And yet the BBC had decided that a four-letter word was the issue at hand. And then there’s the ‘confident’ question. Merriam-Webster defines confident as “Full of conviction, certain.” Dictionary.com offers “Having strong belief or full assurance; sure.” So even though the Beeb were and are all of the above about swearing in the clip, they won’t be running it again. Got that? Good.

SQUINTER: Marc my words: I’ll do better

THE British Government has placed some 30 asylum seekers in the Loughshore Hotel in Carrickfergus. Squinter knows it well for a couple of reasons – the hotel sprang to prominence two years ago when a charming bridal group made their entrance into the reception room singing ‘Simply the Best’ with ‘F**k the Pope’ add-ons. And he likes the ten-mile walk from Whiteabbey to Carrickfergus and back with the binoculars because you get great views of waders and seabirds, as well as shipping on the lough and the Bangor and Hollywood shoreline. Local DUP Councillor Marc Collins isn’t happy about the new arrivals – he’s not happy at all. In fact, he’s concerned. So concerned that he has been in touch with the Home Office, Mid and East Antrim Borough Council (on which he sits) and the police about the matter. And then he took to Facebook to share his reservations with the world. This was an important development as he normally spends his time online posing for pics in his bandman uniform.

SQUINTER: A video message from Nigel and missives from anti-maskers

KATE Hoey’s great mate Nigel Farage has announced another career change. The sometime City trader, failed MP, absentee MEP, UKIP leader and Brexit champion has been at something of a loose end since the UK left the EU. They say the hand that wields the sword never wears the crown, and while there was never any prospect of Toad moving to anywhere more salubrious than Toad Hall, his slide into oblivion has been surprisingly rapid. His latest job illustrates with tragic and painful accuracy the depth of his predicament. While the other big names in the Leave tent are filling their boots with dodgy Covid contracts for their friends and family and getting seats in the Lords, Nige is making a living sending personal video messages to his his gammon supporters for sixty quid a pop.

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