IT seems that ringing 999 because you see somebody putting a Stop-Killing-Babies sticker on an ATM is the right thing to do. Before Saturday Squinter would have said that the non-emergency 101 number would have been the one to call, given that somebody putting up stickers is not something that the ordinary person would consider to be a life-threatening or even dangerous activity.
But no. In its statement fully backing the PSNI’s elite Hole-in-the-Wall Rapid Response Unit that arrested Sue Pentel and Martine McCullough, the PSNI made it clear that whoever made the call was right to do so and that the officers were right to make the arrest. Had the Trevors told us that, all things considered, a couple of women collecting signatures was probably more worthy of a 101, then the old certainties would remain. As it is, we find ourselves in a new dispensation wherein inconveniences are emergencies and emergencies are inconveniences.
A PSNI source has forwarded a recent phone log to Squinter and it’s a fascinating illustration of how scant Trevor resources are being deployed post-Saturday morning.
– Hello, 999, what’s your emergency?
– Yes, my neighbour’s having a barbecue and the music is really annoying me.
– Stay exactly where you are. Do not leave the house. A SWAT team is en route.
– Hello, 999, what’s your emergency?
– Yes, I’m standing outside the City Hall and I can’t seem to find my way back to my hotel.
– Stay on the line. Officers are on their way. Keep talking to me. Everything is going to be okay.
– Hello, 999, what’s your emergency?
– Yes, I’m at the junction near my house and there are people in tracksuits with yellow buckets approaching motorists while the lights are red.
– Are any of them armed?
– Just with buckets.
– Do not exit your vehicle, do not under any circumstances approach them...
– Hello, 999, what’s your emergency?
– The resealable flap on my packet of bacon won’t close right.
– Smoked or unsmoked?
– Smoked.
– Streaky or back?
– Back.
– Jesus Christ. Hold the line. Sarge!
– Hello, 999, what’s your emergency?
– (Whispering voice) I’m hiding in a cupboard in my bedroom. There are men with knives in the house going from room to room.
– Please ring the 101 number, ma’am. Your incident can also be reported online or on our confidential hotline.
'It's not easy to connect Winkie to the UVF'
THE terrorist ball is back in the court of the Public Prosecution Service as the PSNI prepare a file for presentation on the arrest of Sue Pentel and Martine McCullough. If a decision is taken to charge the two women with the offence of criminal damage for which they were scooped, the PPS then has the tricky task of deciding whether to charge them under anti-terror legislation or under the new It’s Only Winkie legislation.
A source within the PPS told Squinter the organisation feels it’s coming in for very unfair treatment over its decision not to charge Winston ‘Winkie’ Irvine under anti-terror legislation after he was found with a bootload of weapons and ammunition – a decision which led to the renowned peacemaker receiving a sentence of a two-week ban on owning a balaclava and a fine of a month’s protection money. Some people deliver Chinese food and pizza in the venings, Winkie delivers guns and ammo. No biggie.
FOR GOD AND ULSTER: A UVF gunman at a peacebuilding conference 
“People think it’s easy to pin a charge of membership on someone, but it’s not,” said the PPS source. “First of all we would have had to have some evidence that Winkie was involved in the world of loyalist paramilitarism and that evidence just doesn’t exist. Well, apart from him appearing at UVF shows of strength and representing the UVF at various peacebuilding and punishment events. And apart from his balaclavas, of course. Oh, and the ‘UVF B Company Commander’ plate on his office door. It’s true, the registration of his car is UVF 1966, but what’s that going to prove in court?”
PPS pre-charge research file: Winston ‘Winkie’ Irvine.
Name: Winston Irvine.
Home address: 10 UVF Street.
Next of kin: Woodvale UVF.
Religion: Church of the Latter-Day Woolly Faces.
Education: St Gusty’s Primary School; Lenny Murphy Boys’ Secondary.
Likes: UVF stuff.
Dislikes: Non-UVF stuff.
Distinguishing features: ‘I Heart the UVF’ tattoo on forehead.
Known associates: Pliers; Bullets; Killer; Pyscho.
Current occupation: UVF Weapons Transit Consultant.
Referee: Captain Black.
Local: The Drill and Hammer.
Hobbies: Shows of strength; ski-mask knitting; chunky jewellery.
Decision: No terrorist link established.
TOMMY Twenty Names is a free man. He’s been released early from the category B prison where he served seven months for breaching an injunction. And why was he released early? Well, he broke like a plate and promised – a piggy promise into the bargain – that he wouldn’t be breaching any injunctions again and instead would be a very good boy.
FREE AT LAST: Tommy Robinson Crusoe has been released after seven months in prison
Let’s be honest here. Tommy didn’t get it hard in a category B. Those are the prisons where they put people who are considered very unlikely to abscond. Which means that the most cruel punishment he can receive for any breach of the rules is a three-day ban from book club and half rations of strawberry jam sponge for dessert.
So how come he’s standing in front of the cameras looking like he’s escaped from Devil’s Island on a coconut raft after 30 years?
He’s got a cross round his neck, which means he may be set to embark on the Russell Brand god-bothering grift.
Heaven help us all.
