THE boneys and the Twelfth or Féile? Which offers the most inclusive holiday experience...?
Orangefest 2025
Children dancing ankle deep in crumbling asbestos tiles while white hot fibres floated like butterflies around their little heads was an unexpected but compelling addition to Orangefest this year. And as if banking a community outbreak of mesothelioma for the decades to come wasn’t exciting enough, the Donegall Road bonfire also featured an invitation to kill Kneecap. Which, of course, was just another joke according to unionist politicians who didn’t think Kneecap’s original kill-an-MP joke was a joke to begin with.
Féile 2025
Ooh, ah, up the Ra.
Orangefest 2025
A boat full of department store mannequins painted brown and black and dressed up to look like seabound migrants was the highlight of the Moygashel bonfire this year. Moygashel, for city-slickers unfamiliar with the delights of the Dungannon hinterland, is where they enjoy nothing more than the traditional pursuits of thatching, Lambeg-drumming and putting up pictures of the UVF gang that slaughtered the Miami Showband. Woke, latte-drinking liberal queers tried to persuade the police that this was ‘racist’, but, showing the kind of innate, unionist common sense for which they’re famous, the PSNI stood and watched the migrants burn.
Féile 2025
Ooh, ah up the Ra.
Orangefest 2025
Rathcoole Protestant Boys decided to stop on their way to the Field on Saturday to play The Sash and engage in a bit of singing and loyalist daddy wedding dancing. The place they decided to stop and perform was outside the Sinn Féin office in Glengormley. Woke libtards pointed out that the Parades Commission had ruled that there should be no stopping, playing, singing and daddy wedding dancing anywhere, but the lads weren’t about to let the law get in the way of celebrating their culture, so a knees-up it was outside Gerry Kelly’s office while a single police officer and a car separated them from a crowd of watching Catholics. By keeping the singing and dancing to the SF office and not singing and dancing their way towards the Taigs, the band averted a violent confrontation. A Pride of Britain award surely awaits.
Féile 2025
Ooh, ah, up the Ra.
Orangefest 2025
The Highfield boney, looking down on the great unwashed of the upper Springfield, was another culture site that emphasised the need to keep out black and brown people. Because migrants, of course, are almost as great a threat to the loyalist way of life as the Alliance Party, Irish street signs and Wallace Thompson. Next to a ‘Stop the Boats’ sign was a tricolour bearing the letters ‘KAT’, which trans latte huggers attempted to suggest was wishing harm on incense-scented adherents to the bead tradition. But a Highfield bonfire builder who asked to remain anonymous told the Andytown News the three letters actually stood for ‘Kiss Arlene Tenderly’. Aaaah. Sorry, aaargh!
Féile 2025
Ooh, ah,up the Ra.
SAFE AS HOUSES: The large pile of asbestors was covered with plastic, then fine gravel
Orangefest 2025
The Grand Lodge of Ireland economy spokesman said this year: “This year’s Eleventh Night and the Twelfth are the biggest boost to the finances of this here province since Stephen Nolan learned Tayto were doing a prawn cocktail Malibu special edition. The city centre was packed to bursting on Saturday evening and there wasn’t a restaurant table to be had. Shops did a roaring trade and the tills were ringing so loud they drowned out Stewarty’s bass drum.” Attempts by the Declans and Fionnualas of the business sector to suggest that in fact everywhere was shut failed to dampen the joy of businesses celebrating another bumper year. Yes, some pubs were closed, but they were ordered to shut up shop by Kneecap. And those restaurants and shops that gave staff the weekend off did so under threat of Alliance Party raids. DUP MLA Jonathan Buckley put it best when explaining the economic miracle that is the Orchard County Twelfth: “In Keady yesterday I was talking to a family who were over from Texas, which is not uncommon”. There’s just no denying the endless benefits of the links between Armagh and the Lone Star State. The annual Richhill Rodeo is a stunning showcase of the best of Ulster and Wild West culture. The current Richill Rodeo bull-riding champion, for instance, is also lead flute in one of the county’s top bands, El Paso Protestant Boys. At the annual Jonesboro Jamboree in San Antonio, meanwhile, 10-gallon-hatted Texans have grits instead of beans with their Ulster fry and the local McDonald’s does a special edition Yeehaw Veggie Roll Mac and boney fries. Bate it into ye, pardner!
Féile 2025
Ooh, ah, up the Ra.
Orangefest 2025
The Belfast Telegraph’s super soaraway 80-page bonfire/Twelfth/Scarva souvenir pull-out was full of the unforgettable sound and colour of another Glorious Orangefest. The cherry on top of the sprinkles on top of the icing on top of the loyal weekend cake was an exclusive BelTel report that the Sham Fight in County Armagh (which strictly speaking is Black and not Orange) this year attracted a record crowd. ‘Sham Fight attracts “largest crowd ever” as 100,000 spectators descend on Scarva’ the breathless headline ran. The news was almost as exciting as the news from the 2023 Sham Fight when the BelTel headline ran: ‘King William wins as Sham Fight attracts around 100,000 visitors to Scarva’. And pulses were also sent racing at the 2016 Sham Fight when the BelTel informed us ‘No surprises as 100,000 watch King Billy emerge victorious in Scarva Sham Fight’.
Féile 2025
Ooh, ah, up the Ra.
Clarification: As there is no Wolfe Tones appearance at Féile 2025, please ignore the Féile 2025 bits of this report. But not the rest of it.
