EDUCATOR and columnist Chris Donnelly has set a hare running with his suggestion that a Bonfire Commission might be a good way of sorting out the annual madness that descends on Our Wee Country from May to July. (Puts index finger to ear, inclines head, nods.) Sorry, the annual madness which descends on Our Wee Country from New Year to July.
Squinter can exclusively reveal that preparatory work has begun on the idea, with a specimen form due to be distributed to bonfire organisers in the autumn with helpful information on how best to navigate the application process. A source in the Bonfire Commission, which is currently located in a broom cupboard at the Parades Commission HQ in Great Victoria Street, has sent Squinter a copy of the form, expressing his hopes that this new initiative can prevent a repeat of the summer bitterness and division.
Part 1. General info.
Name of person organising parade.
Full names only will suffice. For example, ‘Stewarty’, ‘Cricky’ etc will not be accepted.
Home address
Please note that a house number and postcode will be required. ‘Boney Hut’ will not be sufficient.
Location of bonfire
Please be as accurate as possible. ‘Beside Stewarty’s granny’s house,’ for instance, requires significant elaboration. Also, provide details of infrastructure that may be adjacent to the site: Hospitals, old folks’ homes, leisure centres, ambulance and Fire Service depots are all acceptable (see attached list). Examples of unacceptable locations include near unionist politicians’ homes, Orange lodges, churches (Protestant) and off-licences.
Height of bonfire
In keeping with British Kitemark Certification, bonfires must be of a height not exceeding their distance to the Boney Hut.
Part 2. Materials.
If pallets, please tick as appropriate:
Stolen
Borrowed
Liberated
If tyres please tick relevant box:
Tyre centre donation
Tyre centre theft
Fishing boats/silage pile
If mattresses:
Lightly stained
Heavily stained
Eyes watering
If election posters:
Alliance Party
Alliance Party
Naomi Long
If migrant signs:
P**kis
N***ers
Sm*ll b**ts
Method of ignition
Please note that the preferred method of ignition is rolled up newspaper and firelighters and that the ignition should be carried out by someone with at least five years experience of lighting a living room fire. Petrol, kerosene and other accelerants may be used in certain circumstances, however, but only by a named individual who has i) consumed fewer than three bottles of Buckie, ii) can count backwards from 10 in less than five minutes and iii) is over the age of 10.
Stewards
Responsible adults must at all times wear high-vis jackets clearly marked ‘BoneySec’ or ‘No Surrender Five-Day Bender’. Ankle tags, if worn, must be concealed at all times. Stewards are prohibited from consuming alcohol between the hours of 20:55 and 21:00.
Part 3. Attendees
Spectators
Spectators must at all times observe high levels of respect and good behaviour. If caught short, please advise attendees to stand or squat facing away from the bonfire. Show due regard to nearby householders trying to sleep by continuing the ‘Bonfire Sesh’ for no more than 10 hours after the fire has gone out.
Safety alerts
Attendees must be made aware of what to do in the unlikely event of a lit bonfire collapse by the placing of information signage around the site. The signs, which will be supplied by us, will make people aware that if a disaster looks likely they should:
‘Don’t run! Walk like f**k!’
‘Do not return to bonfire for valuables, including carry-outs.’
‘In the event of 500 tons of flaming pallets coming down on top of you, adopt the brace position.’
Entertainment
Please note that DJ deck power leads are a trip hazard. Please make sure they are kept away from the bonfire – over or through the asbestos pile, for example. Remember, more windows are broken by excessive rave volume levels than by heat, so respect and protect your neighbours.
A blast from the musical past
A TWITTER story for you. If you recognise these album covers below then please talk among yourselves or go make a cup of tea. If you don’t, that means you’re under 40 and these images need explained. So here goes...
1/4 Right, kids...
In the late-60s, 70s and early-80s when artists could buy a mansion and a Rolls with a single hit (and frequently did), budget music company Hallmark (yep, the greeting card people) was one of several companies to decide there was a killing to be made from cash-strapped fans.
2/4 But Hallmark had a big ace. They twigged that the BBC had not protected the name of their hit show Top of the Pops. With that brand boost, Hallmark's ToTP albums instantly blew away the opposition. That BBC credibility was vital as there was something about the ToTP albums...
3/4 They were knock-offs. Hallmark paid only for the right to record the songs and their stable of musicians/impressionists knocked out a stream of indifferent covers that nevertheless proved hugely popular. No 70s living room record collection was complete without one – or many.
4/4 The covers seem so dated and sexist now, but back then scantily-clad women were mainstays of the music, TV, tobacco, sport and alcohol industries. Tennent's lager cans had very similar images. And you'd have needed a few cans to put up with that Hallmark music.
Cheers!
