THE Guinness Book of World Records is not desperately keen on considering loyalist tyre and pallet dumps in its ‘Biggest Bonfire’ section. With typically woke arrogance, it prefers bonfires which don’t belch out cancer smoke built by people who aren’t ten times over the legal limit for driving.
The good news for Loyal Ulster is that Communities Minister Gordon Lyons could well make the prestigious publication this year; the bad news is that he’ll likely displace a hero of the union. Eddie the Legal – aka Rumpole of the Failey, My Cousin Binny and the Donaghadee Dynamo – is the current holder of one of the book’s most sought-after titles. No, not ‘The Most Funny Nicknames’; rather he proudly bears the honour ‘Most Lampposts Walked Into’ in recognition of his uncanny ability to get things hilariously wrong. But as Gormless Gordon explodes again on to the news pages for all the wrong reasons, there’s a real chance that, as the East Antrim MLA rubs another painful bump on his forehead, when it comes to butt-clenchingly embarrassing episodes it’s a case of ‘The king is dead, long live the king.’
Squinter’s encountered a lot of women in his life who would not be considered the DUP ideal of femininity. That gender apotheosis was best described by Edwin Poots when he said on the elevation of Arlene Foster to the post of First Minister that her “most important job” would be that of “a wife, mother and daughter.” Gordon has likely in his adult life moved in circles where a statement like that would generally be greeted with harrumphs of agreement. Squinter, on the other hand, has lived his adult life moving in circles where a man saying something like that to a woman would – let’s see now, what’s the best way to put this? – probably think it a good idea never to say it again. So when Gordon said at an ‘Empowering Women’ event in Belfast that “all the good-looking ones [women] were put at the front”, it occasioned a collective face-palm – a face-palm which said, ‘Ah, Jesus, he’s done it again’ rather than ‘I can’t believe he just said that.’
It was very much a case of another day, another clanger for Gord, who last November apologised in the Stormont chamber to Alliance MLA Kate Nicholl after he twice shouted at her to “sit down”. Probably just as well for the Minister that all the smashin’ lukkin’ birds at the Empowering Women event were already sitting down. In no particular order he has got into rows over the GAA; the LCC; benefit claimants; Ulster-Scots; the North-South Ministerial Council; the climate; overseas trips; the IFA. The Google list goes on.
Gordon’s disastrous attempt at a joke was but the latest illustration of the DUP’s difficult relationship with the concept of humour. So in a spirit of outreach, Squinter has prepared a speech for the Communities Minister which Gordon is free to use next time he finds himself in a room where the women aren’t wearing bonnets and holding hymn books.
Good evening, lovely ladies.
Women are so funny, aren’t they? Take my wife. No, please, I mean it – just take my wife. (Pause for laughter.)
My pal said to me when we were in the pub the other day, “My mother-in-law’s an angel.” I replied, “Jesus, you’re lucky – mine is still alive. (Pause for rapturous applause.)
My blonde secretary is off sick at the minute. I asked her to rake the leaves at the front of the office and she fell out of the tree. (Pause for raucous guffaws.)
People used to ask me if my first wife was Native American because I called here Three Horses. “Nope,” I’d tell them, “nag, nag, nag.” (Pause for standing ovation.)
* Continued for another 5 pages.
Loyal Ulster makes its art from the heart
IN other Gordon Lyons-related news, the Communities Minister has vowed to cut Arts Council funding for groups which “disrespect other traditions”. Squinter’s tempted to say Gord could himself apply for a grant to allow him to quit politics for a year and try his hand at stand-up comedy. Because, let’s face it, the DUP claiming to promote respect among traditions is one of the funnier things to have emerged from Stormont in recent months.
GAA President Jarlath Burns might have something to say about what Gordon’s failure to attend a GAA match says about the Minister’s own attitude to the hands-across-the-divide spirit. Meanwhile, when Squinter Googled the words ‘DUP’ and ‘disrespect’ he had to turn a hose on his laptop to stop it from overheating.
Funnily enough, the Arts Council and respect is a matter that the Andytown News has been keeping up to speed with in recent months. In February we reported that three bands in receipt of Arts Council funding to the tune of £30,000 for new instruments last December had just three months earlier been playing at the North’s largest UVF parade – the September Brian Robinson memorial on the Shankill Road. The bands had bypassed Arts Council good relations criteria by the simple expedient of leaving out the Robinson parade in the section of the form about their most recent activities. At this stage, the three bands hadn’t received the second tranche of their 10k each. Here, we thought, was a perfect opportunity for the Arts Council to punish the bands for the lack of commitment to truth and harmony – and their over-commitment to the UVF.
SORTED: The Shankill Road Defenders received 10k from the Arts Council for new instruments
But no. Last week the Arts Council told us that despite the fact that the bands played at a tribute parade for a UVF killer, and despite the fact that they had left that disqualifying information out of their funding application, the monies were paid out in full. But, the Arts Council added, the three bands had been asked to confirm their “continuing commitment to good relations”.
Savage.
That’ll larn them.
What Gordon’s going to make of UVF fanboy bands when the time comes for him to consider which artists are eligible for arts funding is not clear at this point. And of course we’re talking here not about the Carson UVF with tin hats, khaki tunics and puttees. We’re talking about the Lenny Murphy UVF with butcher’s knives, sledgehammers and vz.58 Ulster Resistance assault rifles.
Does a guy who bangs a big drum in praise of a sectarian thug have the same artistic credentials as a water colourist, a ballet dancer, a sculptor or a cellist? Does the Shankill Road Defenders Flute Band deserve five times the money for instruments as a poet might get to compile a new collection of verse?
It’s a weighty matter for the Minister to assess as he attempts to bring the bolshie arts community into line, but when all’s said and done it boils down to one question: Is attending a parade in honour of a man who was in the business of killing Catholics showing disrespect to the Catholic tradition? Looked at that way, Squinter’s fairly sure that he doesn’t need to draw Gordon a picture.
