SQUINTER’S acutely aware that there’s nothing quite so boring as an evangelised teetotaller wanging on about the booze. Which is why in just short of three years as a non-swally merchant this is the third time that he has broached the subject of his 50-year overdue Pioneer status.
Once a year in three years. That’s hardly wanging on about something, is it? Although Squinter’s willing to acknowledge that the matter is sufficiently verboten to the drinking class for them to think once a year might feel like once a week.
It’s not even as if Squinter’s going to deal with the actual drink – rather, he proposes to dissect the vexed issue of non-drink; ersatz drink; pretend drink; 0-0 drink. Or more precisely, he wants to discuss the price of 0-0 lager, which, as anyone who’s ever purchased it for themselves or anyone else will know, is the same price as the full-fat gear. Why this is so has been a bone of contention to Squinter for some time. Well, for three years, of course. Which may or not be viewed as ‘some time’, depending on where and when you’re looking at it from.
Let’s not beat about the bush here; rather let’s get down to brass tacks. And after having subjected the concept of metaphor to a punishment beating, it falls to Squinter to point out that a 330ml bottle of 0-0 lager is precisely the same price as a 330ml bottle of ordinary lager, no matter where you buy it. In West Belfast pubs and clubs, that ranges roughly from four quid to five; while in the city centre it can vary from six to seven-and-a-half.
Same with draught beer, although the comparison is less easily made because the vast majority of establishments in this city – suburbs or centre – only offer 0-0 in bottled form. In Dublin recently with the Big Son for a Shels home game, Squinter found the exact opposite. Most pubs (he wasn’t in any clubs) sell lager on draught, nearly always Heineken, always in really good order, and always the same price as the real stuff.
There’s no alcohol duty on alcohol-free beer, of course. Indeed, there’s no alcohol duty on any drinks that are 1.2% abv or below. And since duty is around the 12% mark, that should mean that a 330ml bottle of 0-0 lager should, on average, be somewhere around 55p to 60p cheaper than a bottle of the old electric soup.
The industry trots out a host of explanations – the main one since Squinter’s been paying attention (yes, you’ve guessed it: three years) being that manufacturing alcohol-free beer involves either i) brewing up relatively small batches of 0-0 beer, or ii) setting aside a proportion of yer ordinary beer and extracting the alcohol from it. And that, we’re told, costs money because i) relatively small batches make relatively poor economic sense and ii) having to do extractive work on real beer after it’s made means more labour and resources.
Which makes sense, Squinter supposes, and since the vast majority of 0-0 beer is made via the extractive process, the post-brewing extra work, and thus the extra expense, will always be there. Which is where the government comes in – or should come in, at any rate. Those of you thinking that the government gets a lot more than 50/60p per pint are right, of course. Another 20% is shovelled on to the price of a beer by VAT.
At risk of straying into the aforemention bore-the-boys territory, here’s a thought: The government spends a lot of money persuading people not to drink and drive, right?
Right.
Particularly at Christmas, right?
Right.
And the government spends a lot of money trying to persuade you not to batter your liver, right?
Right.
Because battered livers cost the NHS a bloody fortune, right?
Right.
So why not cut or eliminate the VAT on 0-0 beer to encourage designated drivers and give A&Es and liver wards a bit of a break? To say nothing of Squinter’s cash card.
