IRELAND’S the most antisemitic country in the world, isn’t it?
At least, that’s what Squinter’s been led to believe for the better part of three years as Israel exercises its right to defend itself by executing its own hostages and burying Gazan medics in shallow graves along with their crushed ambulances.
But it’s not. It’s nowhere near it and the number of antisemitic incidents on the island in the recent past have been so vanishingly rare that Ireland doesn’t even get a mention on lists compiled by groups set up specifically to record and combat antisemitism. Ireland’s not even a major player in the Jew-hating game in Europe, never mind globally.
In terms of sticking up for the right of Gazan children not to be sniped in the head and chest and Gazan babies not to be left to die and rot in incubators, Ireland inhabits a place somewhere in central Europe. Yes, it has recognised the State of Palestine and it did boycott the Eurovision, but other countries leave Dublin in the ha’penny place when it comes to doing what needs to be done and saying what needs to be said.
The two European countries that have been most outspoken about the genocide in Gaza are, as far as Squinter can see, Spain and Belgium, where uncompromising words and deeds about Israel and its war crimes are the rule and not the exception.
But here’s the thing. Spain and Belgium were notorious imperial powers who have – like all imperial powers – left a slug-trail of bloody and racist slime over the map of the world.
That’s not to say the world doesn’t love Spain and Belgium. Squinter’s as fond of a glass of sangria while admiring a Picasso work as the next guy, and it’s hard to whack a plate of skinny chips with mayo while enjoying a Tintin cartoon strip.
But Ireland is famous globally for two things which threaten Israel and the Hasbara Hordes much more than other, bigger countries. No, not Guinness. As far as I know the black stuff is still consumed in great quantities in the beach bars of Tel Aviv. And no, not Irish music, which the Israelis don’t consume in large quantities because they prefer to steal their music – like their food – from the Arabs. And not Irish pubs either, as I believe Molly Bloom’s in Tel Aviv continues to be a popular spot for Israelis seeking an escape from the trauma of Palestinians forcing the IDF to kill them
Nope. What Israel fears most about Ireland and what little it has said and done is its reputation as an island which happens to know a hell of a lot about colonial barbarism and as a people who since time immemorial have been found handing out help wherever help is needed all round the world – and in relative numbers much greater than its modest population. Throw in a massive and well spread diaspora which is inordinately proud of these things and we begin to see why Israel and its gang are so inordinately focused on a green rock in the north Atlantic.
Soft power, they call it. And to a country that has an army that would fit into the Roddy’s function room and a navy that could perform its manoeuvres in the Waterworks, it’s a precious asset which the country has jealously guarded for decade after decade.
All of which is to say that Israel is effectively at war with Ireland’s good name. And since recent polling has shown that Israel is the most despised country on the planet, in a conflict that doesn’t involve Tel Aviv’s impressive amount of US charity weapons, the Fighting Irish are in with a fighting chance.
It sounds like a United Ireland, but will it actually look like one?
SIMON Harris has instructed constitutional boffins in Fine Gael to go off for a few months and draw up a blueprint for a United Ireland. Except the Tánaiste isn’t calling it a United Ireland, as that would frighten the horses, the Brits, the Indo, the Irish Times and the ghost of Gay Byrne. Simon has decided that the working name for a post-partition Ireland should be ‘Unified Island’. Fine Gael have achieved the not inconsiderable feat of coming up with a name harmless enough to allow Simon to instruct constitutional boffins to to draw up that UI blueprint.
Fine Gael HQ, Situation Room.
– So United Ireland is out.
– Thank god for that.
– Not the concept, Numbnuts, the name.
– Oh. Right. So what are we calling it?
– That’s what we’re here for.
– First things first. Is United okay?
– Not really. It kind of suggests…
– Unity?
– Exactly. Can you imagine our friends in London reading that in The Times?
– What about Unified?
– Isn’t that the same thing?
– Well, yes. But we haven’t been bored stiff with it for a century. And the Liverpool fans won’t be as upset.
– So Unified Ireland. I think we can all live with that. Thanks for coming everyone, and…
– Just a second, guys.
– Is it the capital letters thing? If it is I’m happy to cap up Unified.
– Actually it’s the Ireland bit.
– We’ve got a problem with a Unified Ireland now?
– Obvs.
– Is it the Brits again?
– Them and our loyal friends.
– From Northern…
– Ireland. Yes, I know. But they don’t like the word on its own.
– So what are we going with?
– Island. I thought Island.
– Our separated brethren aren’t terrible big on the Island thing either, in case you didn’t know it.
– Yes, but it’s better than Ireland. Plus Ireland and Island sound exactly the same when the toffs in London say the words.
– So Unified Island?
– Yep. Whatcha think?
– It’s horrific. I like it.
– And it sounds a bit like United Ireland too.
– Only if you’re blootered.
– What are we waiting for? Get them in.
