HOT on the heels of the video emerging of a Christmas party at Conserv-ative Central Head-quarters while a ban on mixing indoors was in place for the hoi-polloi, turns out that a festive invite was sent to attendees.
‘Jingle and Mingle’ was splashed across the invite and so assiduously did party goers attend to the business of jingling and mingling that two of them fell into the buffet table while drunkenly dancing to Fairy Tale of New York by the Pogues. Shane MacGowan’s group was, of course, first called Póg Mo Thóin, which means Kiss My Arse, the name being anglicised and shortened as the band started its rise to stardom. Kiss My Arse – could have been the motto of the Tory Covid years.
So there they were in the heart of Tory HQ with people dying in their thousands every day and families pressing their hands against the glass of intensive care units and care homes. The brightest and best of the Conservative Party, tomorrow’s leaders, the sharpest young right-leaning political minds in the country and they go and send out an invite to an illegal gathering. And then they film it.
All Squinter can say is the Tory talent pool must be as deep as Edwin Poots’ understanding of geology.
Anyway, Squinter’s managed to get his hands on the full playlist for the Tory festive bash. Christmas bangers every one.
All I Want for Christmas is Brew.
Jingle Gel Rock.
It’s the Most Wonderful Crime of the Year.
The Christmas Bong.
Silent Sleight.
Check the Halls.
Single Belles.
Printer Wonderland.
Strep into Christmas.
Mocking Around the Christmas Tree.
Little Saint Sick.
2000 Files.
Play Another Day.
In the Geek Midwinter.
Hark the Herald Angels Swing.
It Came Upon a Midnight Beer.
Once in Royal David’s Committee.
The Jolly and the Ivy.
Ding Dong Merrily I’m High.
Good King Commonspass.
That’s enough party puns. Ed.
Lock and load, kids – we're going on a nice day out
TO Larne on Saturday for Armed Forces Day, made possible this year by 75K of funding from Mid and East Antrim Borough Council.
As usual, the Weapons Petting Zoo proved a massive attraction, with parents queuing up to give their little dears a chance to learn how to operate an NLAW missile (part-assembled with love in East Belfast), heavy machine guns and assault rifles.
READY AIM... Not sure the wee guy's legs will achieve the brace required
“Morning, son. Today I’m going to tell you about the Next-Generation Light Anti-Tank Weapon, which has been successfully used to vaporise people inside armoured vehicles since its introduction in 2009.
“No, it’s not like Call of Duty because this is real shit and not the PlayStation in your bedroom.
“Now that you’ve learned how to prepare and fire the weapon, if tell you how it works. No, we don’t have any lollipops to give out, so just pay attention. It explodes directly above a tank or armoured vehicles, the reason being that the top is much more lightly armoured than the well-protected sides.
“Listen, I have no idea what you got for your birthday last week and I’m not really interested.
“So, using magnetic sensors and a proximity fuse the shell blows up just above the tank, ripping it open like a tin opener and vaporising the crew...
“Yes, okay, I’ll stop using big words. The shell detonates...
“Sorry, detonates just means the same as blows up. Vaporising? Well, that’s kind of like making something disappear. No, not like the magician at your birthday party.
“And that means that the bad men inside the tank can’t hurt us any more and the tank can’t be used again.
“Can the launcher be used again? No, it’s just thrown away.
“How much does it cost? About twenty-five grand.
“Yes, that is a lot of money for one missile.
“Well, war costs a lot of money.
“Yes, it costs a lot of lives too. Aren’t you the clever little monkey?”
Sinn Féin and the SDLP voted against funding the event while unionists and Alliance voted in favour. Last year Alliance leader Naomi Long said she’s “not comfortable” with children being given primers in the use of weapons at Armed Forces Day, but when Alliance was asked if it had sought any assurances about a repeat this year before voting in favour of the funding, the party went to radio silence.
As you were, troops.
