What Are You Up To?

That was the mantra of my first Zen Master, who was my granny McCusker of a two-up-two down at 2 Gibson Street (off Leeson Street). She came from Armagh to work as a maid for a wealthy bookmaker. She met my grandfather, a horse dealer from just outside Enniskillen, and they set up home in Belfast. She was the woman who washed the dead and delivered babies and she was also the love of my life.

I loved staying overnight with her when I was a child and she would let me stay up late and watch the television. Whenever she went up to bed I would hoke in the drawers of her dresser for one of her bars of Fry's Chocolate Cream. I would break into the drawers like a cat burglar believing that I wasn’t making a sound and then the noble voice from upstairs would call out, “what are you up to, there’s nothing in the cabinet", followed by, “there’s a wee want in you." I would reply, “ I’m looking for a pair of pliers”. More liars than pliers, I suspect. 

I say she was my first Zen Master who led a very simple life. She was a religious lady, dressed in a black shawl and she adored the lit-up Sacred Heart picture on the wall.

She knew the curse of the family was alcoholism and she begged me as a child never to take a drink. I remember back then that she said there are people who can and there are those who cannot and that I was one of the tribe who cannot.

I remember her mantra that there was a want in me, which of course came to be true. The want in me was that I always wanted more and it always appeared in my mind that there was never enough.

My Zen Master granny was the opposite: she lived a frugal existence and knew the meaning of less is more.

NOBEL VOICE: Granny McCusker
2Gallery

NOBEL VOICE: Granny McCusker

She was my lower Falls Zen master and then some 30 years later I met another lower Falls Zen master Ryushin Paul Haller originally from the Pound Loney.

When I first met Paul back in 1998, I had that gut feeling that this guy knew the answer to what I was seeking. I asked him if I could set up a Zen Centre in Belfast and he gave his consent. He gave me the privilege of naming the centre and the name I chose was Black mountain.

Paul left the West for the west coast of America and was ordained a Zen student and later became the longest serving Abbot of the prestigious San Francisco Zen centre.

I got sober in 1993 and as part of my recovery program it was suggested that I seek prayer and meditation. As fate would have it, in 1998 I met Paul and asked him if he would be my teacher. He said yes and I’ve been a student of Zen ever since.

Paul introduced me to the practice of what is called zazen in which the student just sits and observes the rising of one’s cravings or desire for something else. Through the practice of zazen, the desires dissolve and we wake up to the acceptance of this moment. It's through the door of acceptance that we grow.

When I first met Paul back in 1998, I had that gut feeling that this guy knew the answer to what I was seeking. I asked him if I could set up a Zen Centre in Belfast and he gave his consent. He gave me the privilege of naming the centre and the name I chose was Black mountain.

Since then, the centre has grown into the largest Zen Centre in Ireland. In 2013, Paul became a chaplain to the Lord Mayor of Belfast, becoming the first Zen chaplain in the history of Ireland. 

Paul has been coming over to Belfast twice a year since that first visit back in '98. He delivers talks in the centre and in the greater community. He also delivers two six day Zen retreats every year.

Ten years ago I had asked him if we could set up a Zen and Recovery group as a way for people in recovery to learn the gift of meditation. He agreed and for the last ten years the Zen and recovery group has been a success for those in recovery. It has now really taken off with Zoom and we have folk joining in with us from all over the world on a Sunday evening from 7:30-9pm.

The gift of prayer and meditation has enriched me and many others in many, many ways. I can honestly say that it has taken the wee want from me and for once in my life I now know what I’m up to.

If you wish to learn more about the Black Mountain Zen Centre, AA or the Zen and Recovery Group, you can email Frank.