White House press conference on entry of Al Qaeda affiliate Hay’at Tahrir al-Sham (HTS) into Damascus and the de facto ascension of HTS leader Mohammed al-Jolani to the Presidency. State Department spokesperson Matt Miller at the dais.
Press: Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has reportedly fled Syria, believed now to have arrived in Moscow. What’s the administration’s take on that?
Matt Miller: Obviously we’re delighted that an evil dictator who has tortured and brutalised his people is gone. The world is a safer place now that Syria is no longer a safe haven for Al Qaeda and ISIS terrorists.
P: Isn’t the new guy al-Jolani connected to both Al Qaeda and ISIS?
MM: Connected as in...
P: Committed to global Jihad, plotting the overthrow of the infidel West, enthusiastic about headchopping and stoning women to death. That kind of thing.
MM: Come on, guys! We’ve all done things in the past that we’ve regretted. I threw up on my neighbour’s cat after a college keg party once, for Pete’s sake.
P: So you’re saying he’s no longer in favour of incinerating Washington?
MM: He said that a long time ago, to be fair to the guy, and he’s informed us that he has since modified his view.
P: He only wants to incinerate the White House?
MM: The guy doesn’t want to incinerate Washington or the White House. In fact, I have a list of the reforms that he’s determined to push through. Can I read some of them to you?
P: Go right ahead.
MM: Well, he says that only 10 gay people a month will be pushed off the roof of the Presidential Palace. Tops. Girls won’t be banned from school until they’ve finished their current term. The videoing of headchopping will cease, instead they’ll be livestreamed from a purpose-built new wipe-clean studio in Homs...
P: Doesn’t the White House have a $10 million bounty on al-Jolani’s head?
MM: Technically, yes.
P: Which means you still consider him a terrorist.
MM: Depends what you mean by terrorist. He doesn’t wear that funny Arab clothing any more and he’s knocked off the ‘Allahu akhbar!’ bullshit, so that’s encouraging.
P: Yeah, we noticed the clothes thing. Been dressing the same as Volodymyr Zelensky since Sunday.
MM: Funny that, huh?
P: What about the suicide bombings, the kidnapping and the torture?
MM: Give the guy a chance, he’s only been on the golden toilet for a coupla days.
P: He’s keeping the golden toilet?
MM: And the platinum bidet. It’s only fair.
P: Says on the White House website that al-Jolani is not just a terrorist, he’s a ‘Specially Designated Global Terrorist’.
MM: That’s still up?
P: Yep.
MM: (Presses index finger into ear. Whispers into sleeve.) We’re gonna be taking another look at that real soon. It’s our hope that tomorrow he’ll no longer be a Specially Designated Global Terrorist, just a Designated Global Terrorist instead. Day after that, Global Terrorist. Day after that, Terrorist.
P: And the day after that?
MM: Just plain ole Mohammed. Or Mister President. Depending on how things pan out.
