Having got sober in June of 1993, after a long 26 year journey of broken promises to myself and others promising that this time would be the last time, this was never the case.
 
Alcohol was the King, I couldn’t live with it or live without it. I lost friends as my self-centredness brought about a distrust of others and created a big fear of intimacy which I was to find out later was 'into me see'. I didn’t want anyone get close to me: if I didn’t like me then why should you like me?
 
After many rock bottoms, I found myself going to the Clonard Novena as my last chance. I was reaching out probably for the first time in my life for hope. I was looking for a miracle as I knew that the disease that I was suffering from needed a miracle.

AA had taught me that there was a solution and I was taught there was a way through prayer and meditation. Prayer to me was talking to God. Most of my prayers were begging and pleading, whereas meditation was listening to God.

At the Novena, I met a young priest who told me that if I was looking for a miracle that he would strongly advise me to go to AA for the miracle of sobriety. For some unknown reason I trusted him and went to a meeting that evening. I remember as I walked down the laneway to the AA meeting, the voice in my head told me that I wasn’t an alcoholic, that I was just a heavy drinker. I knew that voice and had heard it many times before. I continued to the meeting and on entering the room was greeted by like-minded people and suddenly I felt at home.
 
After a few years in AA, I wanted more than putting the cork in the bottle, I wanted peace of mind and I knew in my heart, that it wasn’t about my drinking, it was my thinking and I mean a harsh critical internal voice, telling me that I was no good, that I was useless, which would lead me into self isolation, depression and despair. The downward spiral of self-loathing. My head was like a washing machine, filled with nothing but dirty laundry.

AA had taught me that there was a solution and I was taught there was a way through prayer and meditation. Prayer to me was talking to God. Most of my prayers were begging and pleading, whereas meditation was listening to God.
 

I also knew that I needed a meditation teacher and so my meditative journey began.
I had heard of a wonderful Tibetan teacher called Panchen Otrul Rinpoche who resided part of the year in the south of Ireland. I remember going to visit his residence a few times unannounced only to find that he wasn’t at home. Then on one occasion I travelled down with my wife and due to my tiredness finding that once again he wasn’t at home, I lay down on a sun bed and dozed off only to be woken by the purring of a beautiful black and white cat and behind the head of the cat was the smiling face of Rinpoche. "Hello," he said and invited me in for a cup of tea which he called normalitea, lol.
 
I told him about my alcoholism and my racing brain and asked if I could become his student and study meditation.
 
Without a pause he said 'yes' and I entered the Gelugpa Buddhist path of practice.
Rinpoche embodied loving kindness and compassion and knew my selfish ego state. He walked me through the steps of practice and in my case these were baby steps until I could stand on my own two feet.
 
Rinpoche was so kind to me that when HH the Dalai Lama visited Belfast he allowed me to be one of the Dalai Lama’s assistants.
 
I remember waiting for the arrival of HH at the reception area of the airport and I was standing to attention behind Rinpoche like a frozen Franky and when HH came to greet me he tickled me under the arms and said lighten up and like a child I smiled and the frozen Franky melted like snow on a ditch.