I’m forever being asked if I believe in God, a question which always gives me a good giggle as it reminds me of the numerous times I was asked if I was a Catholic or a Protestant. It seemed to me as I was growing up that somehow people were interested in who I am.

Of course my answer now was similar to back then: “I don’t know." It appears that my "I don’t know" reply was unsettling for others as they believed they did know. That rested easy with me and I would tell them that but they also had to respect my 'Don’t know.'

 

It’s not easy swimming upstream against the tide of opinion, and in fact it becomes extremely tiring to the point of mental exhaustion, a real ballbuster. However, the older I get the easier it has become to say: "I don’t know."

In my addiction, if I'd known God I would have taken him hostage. In my ego-inflated state, I would have tried to become God or, indeed, become greater than God.

Humility has taught me to surrender to the great mystery. I choose to call this ability to give in as my higher power. I find that when little old me steps out of the way, everything is as it should be.

In my meditation, when I sit and surrender to this moment, my higher power never ceases to fill me with a sense of wonder. This curiosity awakens me to the mystery that unfolds like a blossoming flower with a fragrance of compassion for self and for others. I intuitively know that there is something bigger than little me.

I remember when I debated with my AA sponsor the God question that he gave me a two-part reply. He told me that there is – and that it’s not me. He also told me that the closest I would come to God would be the person next to me.

Now that was food for thought, and humbling at that. My ego didn’t like what he said but my heart felt it to be true and I was filled with a sense of ease and comfort. I found myself being part of the mystery rather than apart. Remembering that everything is part of the whole and that nothing exists in isolation.

Interdependence is the order of the day , the Yin and Yang, the mysterious paradox. Day, night, sun, moon, black, white, sweet and sour. Now there’s something to chew on. You can’t have good without bad as it’s the bad that makes the good good and the good that makes the bad bad.

My daily practice is to question and explore with a healthy curiosity and not to judge. It’s not easy but it does get easier as I come to believe that there is a power greater than myself that I can access within me. And that fills that hole in my soul and opens my senses to the mystery that is.