It was early autumn 1998 and I was sitting in our kitchen when my phone rang. The caller was Paul Haller and he asked me if I was ready. I replied that I’m always ready. Then there was a knock on the hall door.

I went to the door and there stood Paul Haller along with three of his American friends. He introduced himself and invited me to dine with them. 

His New York friends were Kat Dornan (a director from Chanel advertising), actor Michael O'Keefe and businessman Grover Gaunt.

Michael and Grover were members of the Zen Peacemakers Order based in NY and Kat was Michael’s partner. The Zen Peacemakers Order is a global organisation and its members visit war-torn areas around the globe to bear witness to the suffering that people experience through conflict. Not to judge or take sides but to listen, observe and experience for themselves.

They had chosen Belfast and their American lead was ex-Belfastian Paul Haller. 

Paul is a westie from the Lower Whack, the Pound Loney. He left our fair city some 50 years ago and hadn’t been to Belfast for a long long time when I met him in 1998. Back then, Paul was the longest serving abbot at the prestigious San Francisco Zen centre. He’s now the leading meditation teacher.

Paul and the others were here to set up a Zen Peacemakers retreat and asked for help to set it up. I agreed and was honoured to do so. It was a weekend retreat and Paul was only going to be here for a few days.

I have to admit that being in his company was comforting. He exudes a calming and reassuring presence.

We held the retreat up in St Gerard’s on the Antrim Road and I was surprised at the interest from our cityzens as the retreat was overbooked. There was and, I believe, still is a hunger for a way for us to connect with ourselves, warts and all. This thirst to connect is based on the realisation that we are the same, not different, and that we all suffer — the more so when there is division.

This was the man who taught me zen and most of all how to meditate. I was five years sober when we met. The obsession for alcohol was removed from me but my alkie head was still spinning, I had surrendered to booze but hadn’t quite surrendered to life.

After the retreat I chauffeured Paul to Central Station. He boarded the train for Dublin and as the train left the station, I burst into tears as though I was waving goodbye to an old buddhi.

Later that evening, I checked my voicemail only to find a message from Paul to say that he was back in Belfast and once again invited me to join him for tea. I went to the cafe and there he was larger than life and smiling — which lit up my smile.

We talked and talked and he stayed another night at our home and in the morning I ran him to the bus station for his connection to Dublin Airport.

That was then and this is now. I’m still his student, friend and brother or as I call him bruddha.

This was the man who taught me zen and most of all how to meditate. I was five years sober when we met. The obsession for alcohol was removed from me but my alkie head was still spinning, I had surrendered to booze but hadn’t quite surrendered to life.
I still felt at times 'less than' and was riddled with insecurities fuelled by anxiety.

When I say surrendered to booze what I mean is that I knew that King Alcohol had beaten me to the point of insanity. Alcohol had removed friends, family and dignity from me and it no longer worked for me. Instead of experiencing bright joviality. I experienced dark desperation and self-loathing.

My emotions were all over the place: jealousy, anger, greed played havoc with my head and heart. 

Paul knew the monkey mind that I experienced and he taught me how to tame my mind, to sit, to stay and most of all to heal.

When the student’s ready, they say the teacher will appear. The teacher appeared for me when I was ready and to this day, I’m still learning to keep it simple.