FEELING stressed? Sweating, trouble getting to sleep? Don’t worry, it’s the election. Or rather elections – there’s the one bubbling up in the US, one happening in Britain, and, most importantly, the prickly little affair we’re having here in NEI.
Since the DUP leadership have in recent years done just about everything wrong – ejection of Arlene, her replacement by coup leader Edwin Poots, replacement of Poots by Jeffrey Donaldson, sudden disappearance of Jeffrey – if voters don’t like instability or change, they must be sick to their stomach with the DUP’s seemingly endless twists and shouts.
How might that play out in the election? Let’s look at two key constituencies.
East Belfast
Running in the constituency are two giants – okay, one giant man and one smallish woman – Gavin Robinson of the DUP and Naomi Long of the Alliance Party.
Both have been round the block several times, but while Naomi exudes a sense of calm, Gavin exudes a sense of panic, overlaid with the sickly-sweet smell of perspiration. They’ve both won and lost before, but this time with Gavin as DUP leader it’s senior hurling. Naomi has the advantage of being informed and articulate, while Gavin can sometimes resemble a bright but nervous sixth-former. As the overall unionist vote divides and diminishes, the electoral decapitation of the DUP would mark a key moment in the history of this tormented state.
Fermanagh-South Tyrone
This used to be an electoral tussle between the UUP’s Tom Elliott and Sinn Féin’s Michelle Gildernew. This time it’s the daughter of Harry West, Diana Armstrong, who’s stepping up for unionism; and Michelle Gildernew’s place is taken by the startlingly unexpected candidature of Pat Cullen.
Pat was, as the world and its mother knows, the head honcho of the Royal College of Nursing (RCN), so name recognition was far from a problem. So too was her calibre: in her dealings with the British government on behalf of the nurses, she showed herself firm and tough-knuckled. The local BBC – do I need to say it? – spent much of its interview time with her wanting to know if she’d apologise for the actions of the IRA. Yes, I know, Virginia: Pat Cullen was a nurse at the time, working to save the lives of those injured in the Troubles. But of course Auntie Beeb went for the thing they felt confident the bitter heart of unionism would warm to, and tried to back Ms Cullen into a corner on something she’d no hand, act or part in. The mills of God may grind slow, but they grind exceeding fine. Diana Armstrong, I’m told, is a nice woman, but the Beeb’s nastiness has ensured that Cullen will energise the nationalist vote in every corner of the constituency.
Up in Derry, the SDLP’s Colm Eastwood announced during a TV debate that Chris Hazzard and other Shinners never go near Westminster, so what's the point in voting for them? Hazzard pointed out that Sinn Féin do go to Westminster, have offices in Westminster, lobby for their constituents in Westminster, and find better uses for their time while there than addressing an echoing House of Commons chamber, since once British MPs twig that debate has moved to NEI matters, there’s a stampede for the door.
In the US, Joe Biden should probably drop out with similar speed. That last debate performance has holed him below the water line. There must be at least one talented Democrat who’d gladly take his place.
As for the election in Britain, Keir Starmer’s party will devour the Tories. Which is good, except that we’re then faced with the hypocrite Starmer, who hounded a good man out of the Labour Party because he didn’t worship with sufficient fervour at the altar of Israel.
Whatever you do on Thursday, get your elegant bottom down to the polling centre.
