SQUINTER doesn’t know what ‘Shoot the messenger’ is in Ulster-Scots, but there’s been a hell of a lot of it going on lately among adherents to the reformed faith in the Green and White Army, aka GAWA.
Squinter’s on his way home from North Belfast on Monday evening and as he sits in traffic in Twaddell Avenue he switches on the car radio to find BBC Radio Our Wee Country building up to the kick-off of Northern Ireland v Germany at Windsor Park. Sorry, Northern Ireland v Germany at the Clearer Twist National Stadium.
Yes, quite. Anyway…
There’s an opera singer doing the anthems and she kicks off with a rendition of Deutschland Über Alles so rear-view-mirror-shatteringly loud and high that Squinter has to turn the sound down. And it occurred to him that if the Germans employed this woman to do the anthem at their next home match Poland would be invaded before half-time.
The Northern Ireland national anthem is then sung at a pitch likely to shake plaster loose on ceilings right across the Pravince, but since Deutschland Über Alles is the ultimate marching song and God the King is basically a funeral march, the effect is rather less... inspirational, shall we say?
Which is possibly why the fans at the Clearer Twist National Stadium feel constrained to jig it up a bit. And what better way to jig it up than by adding the traditional war cry of Loyal Ulster? It happens at every GAWA home gathering and it means a small but significant change in the lyrics of the musical oath of allegiance. The song in its original form goes like this:
God save our gracious King,
God save our noble King,
God save our King.
Bum bum bum bum,
Send him victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign over us,
Long live our King.
There’s no getting away from it – the song is deadly dull. Many ardent monarchists yearn for a new anthem, one that wouldn’t put a koala bear to sleep, so it’s no surprise that the blood and thunder-loving denizens of the Clearer Twist National Stadium stands are keen to spice things up a bit. And so, as heard at every Northern Ireland home match, the GAWA GSTK goes like this:
God save our gracious King,
God save our noble King,
God save our King.
No surrender!
Send him victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign over us,
Long live our King.
Now this tradition is tremendously popular in the cheap seats at the Clearer Twist National Stadium, but Squinter has to say it’s not designed to encourage Catholics to start making the short trip across the motorway to join in the fun. And Squinter said as much on Twitter on Monday night, only to find that GAWA was in no mood to reconsider its stated matchday determination not to give in to the IRA.
“You’re a backwards bellend and your bigotry can do one,” replied funsty90, although his wee brother funsty 91 remained quiet.
“Could you let your bigotry rest for one night?” yapped FraserDog.
“Why you so obsessed with people’s religion?”asked WillieJohn21. “So backward.”
“Have you ever once conceived you may be part of the problem?” enquired Footballnomad.
“I suggest you park your bitterness for one night and just enjoy the game,” replied Backbencher235, forgetting that he himself was not watching the game, but scrolling on Twitter.
“You are an absolute f***ing brainless incel,”pointed out West Ham fan Leonnikrah – an accusation that may come as a surprise to Squinter’s children.
“It must make trash like you absolutely sick to their stomachs. Our team kicks with both feet,” offered G2mcc, neglecting to add that the team never surrenders.
And so on and so on it went – a torrent of abuse and accusations from a regiment of anonymous GAWA troops convinced that Squinter’s the problem and not the fans in the stand who think an international football match is the right place to stick it to the Ra.
Ceasefire, anyone?
Donning the lederhosen an admission of guilt
SQUINTER’S son went to Oktoberfest at the weekend and they charged him a tenner in. Which got Squinter to thinking.
It’s about £14 for a two-pint stein in the big tent at Custom House Square. £7 is well over the odds for a pint, especially in a ruinously expensive city centre where the price of a beer hovers around and above the £6 mark. So it’s safe to say that the Oktoberfest organisers are absolutely coining it in terms of selling swall. Which begs the question: Why do they charge people a tenner to sell them expensive beer? Like, Tesco don’t charge you in, do they?
PROST! Getting charged in to be sold something is a novel idea
Well, suggested a friend, there’s live music in the form of an oompah band – and that doesn’t pay for itself. To which Squinter could only reply that there’s live music every night in bars all over the town and no admission charge is levied. Indeed, Squinter was at St George’s Market on Sunday and there was a seven-piece live band, but nobody was taking money at the door.
Hold on, said somebody else, you’re conveniently forgetting to point out that admission is free if you’re wearing lederhosen. Which is true. So Squinter went online to price up the requisite outfit. You can get a plastic one for £15, which means you’re only a fiver down on the admission deal, but then you have to sit drinking with your ging-gangs stuck to your thigh with sweat. A decent quality pair of faux-suede lederhosen (is it a pair?) will set you back around £50. And that’s without the feathered Alpine hat, for which you’ll be stung at least another tenner.
If you want a real suede lederhosen outfit, hat included, it’ll cost you £40 to rent it for a day from a Belfast hire firm.
Clearly, none of these options is going to make economic sense and you’re only going to wear suede shorts and a felt hat to Oktoberfest if you want to join in the spirit of the month.
Otherwise, you’d better get your tenner out, mein freund.
Birthday wishes
THE News Letter reports this week that the Bank of Ireland is celebrating “200 years since opening its first branches in Northern Ireland”.
Squinter’s looking at the press statements the bank has whacked out, and nowhere are the words ‘Northern Ireland’ mentioned. The 200th birthday reception was, of course, to mark the opening in 1825 of the bank’s Irish provincial branches in 1825 in Newry, Enniskillen and Omagh.
But it’s the News Letter, isn’t it? A place where anything that took place before 1921 either didn’t happen or occurred in the Narnia that the newspaper has constructed to disguise the bleak uncertainty that lies outside the newsroom door. A feature inside is helpfully illustrative of the world according to the loyal peacock.
1825:
•First steam train.
•Birth of Jim Allister.
•Hans Ørsted discovers aluminium.
•Mary Peters wins Ye Pentathlon Golde at the East Prussia Olympics.
•John Quincy Adams is the new US President.
•Kneecap surrender accepted at Tayto Castle.
