THERE’S a massive business opportunity for Loyal Ulster as Operation Raise the Colours continues apace. Bare-bellied, Stella-swigging legions of stout English yeomen are painting St George’s flags on roundabouts and erecting flags on lampposts from Birmingham to Bradford and from Liverpool to Leeds, but while their intentions are honourable and their hearts are as big as their livers, they are complete amateurs.
What the Farage Fusiliers need is experienced advice.What they need is dependable information on how to make a normal residential street look like a Las Vegas car showroom on a sale day. What they need are consultants. And if any lovers of the Ulster fleg and the union jack are willing to share their decades of knowledge and nous with their English cousins, Invest NI stands ready to provide the seed capital. Always ready to turn a quick quid, Squinter has already formed a new company and will be reaching out to Reform UK, Tommy Robinson, Britain First and GB News offering premium flag consultation services at hugely competitive rates.
As the CEO of Lamppost Solutions Inc. (UK), Squinter has brought his decades of experience to bear and identified a number of basic failings that English flag enthusiasts are exhibiting as they attempt to claim back their country, restore national pride and get the darkies out.
STAKEHOLDERS
‘Patriots’ is okay; ‘Concerned Citizens’ is fine; ‘Ordinary Mums’ is effective as far as it goes; and ‘Worried Dads’ can certainly get a job done. But these terms exclude the very heart and soul of Operation Raise the Colours, they ignore the people who are the lifeblood of this inspirational outbreak of flag fever. Squinter’s talking about the Ankle Tag Army, the Significant Criminal Record-holders who are doing the spadework every day and night. A recent report revealed that over 50 per cent of the men convicted in relation to the Southport race riots that erupted across England were convicted domestic abusers. Here in Loyal Ulster, we have identified a way of bringing this vital cohort into the mainstream without reference to their non-patriotic side activities. We bring sectarian killers, gangsters and drug lords into the fold with politicians, residents and community leaders by referring to everyone involved as ‘Stakeholders’. And it looks great on a form.
HEIGHT
Here in Our Wee Country, we learned many, many years ago that flags must not be put up on lampposts at a height that is easily accessible by passing Antifa types, Marxist agitators, drag queens or Catholics. If they are within arm’s length, or even with a leg-up’s length, they will be pulled down. That is not to say that flags should go be put right at the top of the lamppost beside the, ah, lamp – a fall from that height could mean death instead of mere life-changing injuries. But it is to say that an effort must be made to get the flag out of harm’s way, and that means using ladders. Since lampposts are round and not flat, the placing of ladders against them poses considerable health and safety challenges which our technicians will be happpy to discuss with you either via Zoom or on site visits. Please note that the alarm on ankle tags may sound if patriots are placing flags on lampposts near schools.
RIGHT WAY UP
Here in our little corner of the United Kingdom we have this very simple equation that we rely on when considering the always tricky question of which is the right way up for the union jack:
The white bar in the upper right hand quadrant adjacent to the multiple bars of varying colour must be broader by a factor of 1.73 than the white bar at the diametrical quadrant adjacent to sundry bars of varying latitude. The rectangular orientation of the relevant flag will see the bars self-align if hoisted vertically in a strictly linear matrix relating precisely to the non-deviating parallelogram that represents the relevant region or regions. The intersectional longevity of the traverse bar will then naturally form an elongated horizontal reference point for the convergence of the object configuration.
We hand out this ultra-reliable explainer in the spring to lamppost crews along with the ladders and the Buckfast. It has ensured that the union jack is hung the right way up on loyal lampposts at least 27 per cent of the time.
TARGET AUDIENCE
With the assumption that those raising the flags have flags in their own homes and on the lamppost outside anyway, we move on to consider who is meant to view and admire the St George’s cross and the union jack. First and foremost, the newly-erected flags are intended to remind the flag-agnostic of what the flag of the UK is, what the flag of England is, and why it is necessary to be in sight of them at all times. Some time ago, Loyal Ulster moved away from the traditional flag model of hoisting flags in PUL (Protestant, unionist, loyalist) areas to putting them up in TDP (Taigs, darkies and poofs) areas. This has the beneficial effect of reminding residents where they live (street names will soon all be in Irish and utility bills can be easily misplaced) and who’s in charge.
