TUV deputy leader Ron McDowell popped up in the News Letter on Monday to express his horror and disgust at the selling of Kneecap balaclavas at a Kneecap concert.
Ron didn’t object to the balaclavas because they are in the colours of the Irish flag, although Squinter suspects we’re on firm ground if we speculate that he’s not over the moon about that. Rather, Ron was on his high white horse over the fact that tricolour balaclavas were worn by the Bon Jovis during the Troubles.
“The sight of young people wearing green, white, and orange balaclavas at the Kneecap concert in Belfast last Friday is deeply troubling,” he said. “These are not fashion items – they are associated with the terrorist campaign that terrorised our Province.”
The first thing to say is that that the Kneecap tricolour balaclavas are very much fashion items – just ask Hollywood A-lister Tom Hardy. And they’re particularly fashionable at music festivals, of course, where they are as common a sight these days as bucket hats, sunglasses and spliffs. The second thing to say is that if you Google ‘Ron McDowell pix’ you’ll find very quickly that fashion is not his thing and that his vibe is more Christian soldier than Christian Dior. So we can give Ron a by-ball on that.
But what poor, daft old Ron can’t be forgiven for is thinking that the IRA went about their business wearing green, white and orange headgear. Squinter is a child of the Troubles, and in his time he has seen an array of makeshift military headwear worn by the Hucklebucks on the teeming streets of Lenadoon. He’s seen face masks made out of nylons and tights; he’s seen them made out of the sleeves of Gilbert jumpers; he’s seen them made out of scarves. He’s even seen the IRA wearing balaclavas, but they were always black.
There’s a reason for the black. While the primary function of a balaclava is to hide one’s facial features and thereby evade identification, it also helps if the balaclava lacks brightness. Let’s see if we can concoct a little scenario that might help Ron understand why his suggestion that tricolour balaclavas were standard IRA issue has caused some hilarity in the less staunchly loyal reaches of social media.
So you’re a young, newly-arrived British soldier in a sentry post, on a roof, peeking out the gunslit in a saracen – whatever. It’s nighttime and you’re a more than a little bit paranoid. While there are occasional sodium splashes of lamplight, it’s mostly black as the last Saturday in August. There are things moving out there, but you don’t know what those things are because they are no more than vague, dark, threatening shapes. You could be looking at the black shadow of the waving branch of a tree. You could be looking at a black binbag being carelessly tossed through the night air by a light evening breeze. You could be looking at a black cat padding silently along the top of a wall. And yes, you could be looking at a black balaclava lining you up in its sights. And by the time you finished wondering, it’s too late and you’re heading home in a box in the cargo hold of a military plane.
But you’d be fine if the guy who shot you had decided that instead of a black balaclava that night he was going to wear his green, white and orange one. You’d be fine because you’d have spotted him before he left his ma’s house.
So do you understand now, Ron?
You do?
Splendid.
So can you see why the tricolour balaclava was never part of the IRA uniform, like you said it was, Ron?
You can?
Super.
Have you a better understanding of the simple fact that the Kneecap balaclava is nothing more than an attention-grabbing part of the Kneecap performance persona?
You haven’t?
Never mind.
