QUESTION: How the hell is Squinter supposed to make a living at this satire lark when Arlene Foster’s all over social media offering to give people advice on boilers for ten grand a day?
There’s no beating that and it’s just not fair. In fact, Squinter reckons he’d be bang within his rights to complain to the Competition Authority since he has to sit at his desk on his own every day making up jokes of wildly varying quality, while Baroness Foster of Tittlejot had access to massive government resources, financial and human, in the creation of her meme-creating comedy.
Arlene made the offer of her RHI expertise for 10k a day as part of her bio for a public speaking agency; the Belfast Telegraph’s Sam McBride got the 10k figure after posing as a potential hirer of the Baroness’s services and squeezing out a quote. The offer disappeared next day.
Squinter would love to have been there when the bio was being put together...
– Renewable energy’s a massive thing with industry now, Arlene. Any experience in that field?
– Um, not really.
– Pity. Firms will pay 10k a day for knowledge like that.
– Well, there was RHI.
– Pardon me?
– RHI. That was me.
– What’s RHI?
– Boilers. Boilers that love the planet.
– Wow. Marvellous. How’d that go?
– Fine... It went fine.
– Okay. Let... me... just... Google... that...
– Wait. I ever tell you about me and the crocodile?
Tailor-made hypocrisy
THE order from Labour Party HQ is that the response to Keir Starmer and co splashing everybody around them with slops while they dip their snouts deep in the trough is that ‘The Tories are worse.’
It’s a pretty obvious but deeply stupid strategy because it’s a complete given that the Conservatives were a deeply corrupt shower of grifters – it’s why they got a massive hammering in the July election. And while repeatedly telling people that your opponents are a bad lot can be an effective tactic in hammering home a negative perception to make yourself look good, telling people that the Tories are bigger money-mad liars than you is political PR that Liz Truss would recognise as disastrous.
When Free Gear Keir was being measured for 20k worth of suits and 3k worth of glasses he was at the very same time promising as leader of the opposition that he would be an antidote to Tory corruption. He knew full well as he held out his arms while the tailor chalked his armpits that taking luxury goods from a billionaire was going to get him into trouble with the Tory media as soon as he entered Downing Street, but he went ahead and did it anyway because the sweg meant clearly more to him at that time then any future problems it might raise.
MADE TO MEASURE: Only the best will do for Keir Starmer
Given that level of avarice and stupidity, it’s hardly surprising that there’s already talk of a party heave against Starmer.
And that’s very much a a case of “Suits you, sir.”
We can learn a valuable lesson from Dee and co
SQUINTER’S not sure which UDA and UVF members were in the Loyalist Communities Council delegation that met with Education Minister Paul Givan to lobby against an Irish language school in East Belfast.
Dee Stitt would have been a good choice. He’s well known for his interest in the curriculum and in particular has campaigned intensively after many trips abroad to have Turkish included in the list of languages available for study at GCSE level. He lectures in dentistry at the Belfast Met and is a volunteer model at the Belfast School of Eyebrow-Threading.
WHITER THAN WHITE: Dee Stitt knows his stuff when it comes to Turkey
Meanwhile, the DUP have commissioned a report into the pioneering work of Dr Harold Shipman on reducing NHS waiting lists. They’ve written to the US Bureau of Prisons to request a meeting with P. Diddy to discuss improving the catering at Stormont. And they’ve appointed Tommy Robinson to look into the concerns of Sandy Row rioters.
But only the legitimate ones.
Honest Bob returns
TORY leadership candidate Robert Jenrick wants to put up Star of David signs at every port and airport in the United Kingdom to show Israelis that they’re welcome in the country.
Labour and the Tories are already being well paid to do everything in their power to make Israelis feel welcome in Britain, since the parties’ respective Friends of Israel groupings have full membership books and MPs particularly welcome the plentiful and generous donations from ‘the Middle East’s only democracy’ (Ts&Cs apply).
Jenrick also wants to move the British embassy in Israel to Jerusalem, presumably because he doesn’t think that the West hasn’t done nearly enough to make things worse in the region. He doesn’t say what part of Jerusalem he would move the British embassy to, which is strange since he has repeatedly displayed a sophisticated grasp of real estate and geography. His expertise was particularly evident when he unlawfully gave the go-ahead to a billion-pound East London property development after being lobbied by a former pornographer.
After that episode, Jenrick now goes by the nickname ‘Honest Bob’, which is a hell of a cross to bear for any politician – but it’s by no means the heaviest burden that he carries with him. He’s most famous for ordering welcoming cartoons to be removed from the walls of migrant children’s centres, although had he been in charge just now he’d probably have replaced them with portraits of Benjamin Netanyahu.
Keep your distance, dog
LADY Dixon at 10am on Sunday morning and Squinter’s dandering towards the coffee shop with his two-year-old when a collie-type dog bounds up to her out of nowhere.
Squinter’s not sentimental about dogs. Regular readers will know he used to have one which he loved dearly and with whom he put in countless memorable miles. But had it been alive when his granddaughter was born he wouldn’t have let it anywhere near the child. These Tik-Toks of XL Bullies cradling new-borns in their cavernous chests or Alsatians nuzzling sleeping babies give him the screaming heebie-jeebies.
Yes, your dog might indeed never have hurt anybody in his life. He might well be a “big dote” even. But one snap from a mutt – even, or especially, an ‘out of character’ snap – and a child’s life can be changed forever. And so if Squinter wouldn’t let his own doga near the new light of his life, he’ll be ballixed if anybody else’s dog is getting close to her.
There followed a brief and salty two-way with Squinter advising the owner of the dog to get it on a lead and her taking general umbrage at the suggestion. But it was her parting shot as Squinter scooped up the toddler and continued on his way that has stuck.
“She was just looking for me,” she said.
Nope, Squinter can’t explain that one either.
PARK LIFE: No, your leashless dog is not a sweetie
The tension between humans and dogs has been going on for as long as there have been parks, or indeed humans and dogs. But given the horror stories we hear these days about dog attacks on humans and given the continued failure of dog-owners to recognise that their dogs approaching strangers is not “sweet”, it’s high time Belfast and Lisburn councils decided whether dogs are primarily for people or pooches.
