My name is Caitlin, and I am a 22-year-old transgender woman from West Belfast. In recent months in the media and the political world, trans rights have become a topic of ‘debate’. As rhetoric increases and loud minorities make their voices heard we often lose reason for these discussions. As a trans woman, I have had to experience a lack of access to healthcare, transphobia, and bias just because of who I am. Coming out as transgender in today’s political environment was not an easy decision. For months I tossed the decision around in my head. Who can I tell? When do I tell them? Will they still love me? These questions are unfortunately normal for most transgender people. However, in the end, I knew that coming out and seeking gender-affirming healthcare was the only way in which I could live. Accepting who I was, saved my life.
Growing up I often felt a disconnect between my brain and my body. I didn’t understand what it was. All I knew was that I had a harder time building connections with people and usually felt out of place. As I got older and graduated from school, I began to learn what transgender was. As I met those who identified as transgender and read about trans woman's experiences, I became to realise that I identified with them. I always felt more feminine and was usually afraid to show it.
As I came out to my close friends, they called me Caitlin and used she/her pronouns. When this started one friend made the remark, "I’ve never seen you smile so much.’’ They were right. For the first time, I felt like I could be my authentic self and build real friendships as me. I am fortunate to have an amazing group of friends who for the past few years have been, not only supportive, but have been absolute champions of trans rights.
I had to come to terms with the fact that I was a member of a community which was under attack across the world from every direction. In recent months we have seen political commentators call for the ‘eradication’ of trans people and have seen formerly progressive parties like Labour change their positions to be against trans women.
Now, unfortunately, the journey of realising you’re transgender and coming out is only half the battle. The other half is self-acceptance. The act of truly accepting that you are ‘different’ is a long road, especially given the current political and media attacks on the trans community. I had to come to terms with the fact that I was a member of a community which was under attack across the world from every direction. In recent months we have seen political commentators call for the ‘eradication’ of trans people and have seen formerly progressive parties like Labour change their positions to be against trans women.
With this in mind it is important that I highlight this. Coming out as a trans woman saved my life. Pretending for so long to be someone I wasn’t eventually led to the growth of depression and anxiety. This spiralled into suicidal thoughts and the idea that I am better off not alive. Publicly declaring myself as Caitlin and as a trans woman allowed me the chance to live my life as me. Friends, family, and those I knew were now able to identify me with the pronouns and name of who I truly was. From there I was able to seek out life-saving medical treatment and gain confidence in my true self.
Why do I write this? Well, as attacks on trans people continue to rise it is important to highlight our experience. I am a human being just trying to navigate this maze we call life. I am a university student, a daughter, and a friend. Being myself now gives me the ability to walk the streets with confidence and introduce myself to others with pride. I am me. I am trans. I am beautiful.
Caitlin Wickham (she/her),
Andersonstown
Do you have something to say on this issue? If so, submit a letter for publication to Conor McParland at c.mcparland@belfastmedia.com or write to Editor Anthony Neeson at Andersonstown News/North Belfast News, Teach Basil, 2 Hannahstown Hill, Belfast BT17 0LT
