Letter from Washington to starving child in Gaza.

LISTEN, kid. We know you’re getting it tough, but we’re on it. Any day now – maybe next week; end of the month, tops – we’re sending a ship from a navy base in the great state of Virginia to build a kind of temporary harbour not far from that hospital you’re in that has no supplies and no power. That’s only six and a half thousand miles; around about two and a half weeks sailing – maybe three if the weather isn’t great.

Then we’re going to get to work. If the sea’s calm and the Israelis don’t blow us up; if the guys are all in good shape and if all the machinery works, we figure it should take no longer than three months to get that thing ready for ships to bring in humanitarian supplies. So that means we’re looking at getting you something round about the end of July/start of August. Don’t thank us – watching you chow down come late summer/early fall is all the gratitude we’ll need. So hang in there, buddy. And tell your mom to be super-careful if she goes looking for flour and there are Israeli tanks and soldiers about.

Yes, it’s true that there is a long line of trucks ten minutes from where you’re lying, but the truth is that they are being blocked from getting through by some very dangerous people. Just this morning the convoy was told it can’t pass because a dozen people with Israel flags were dancing on the road to trance music. Day before that two or three moms with their babies on their hips held up signs saying ‘Feed an Arab baby and he becomes a terrorist’ – and they have a point. Our IDF colleagues tried to move them, but they weren’t for leaving no matter how many pleases and thank-yous got fired at them.
We haven’t quite worked out yet what’s going to happen to all that food when it gets to the harbour when it’s built. There’s no infrastructure to store it, no trucks to distribute it and the top guy we liaise with on the ground was killed last week by one of our aid pallets that fell on him because the parachute didn’t work. 

We won’t be putting any ‘boots on the ground’ in Gaza because the place is already occupied by Israel and there’s no point in us doing the same job. But if we ask the Israelis nicely maybe they’ll help out a little bit by stopping dropping the bombs we give them long enough for the goods to get landed.

And don’t worry about that little-bitty port staying there when all this is over. I mean, it’s not as if the United States has a history of getting involved permanently in far-off places or in building bases where nobody wants us. Soon as all this unpleasantness between you Palestinian guys and the Israelis is over and everybody’s friends again we’ll be gone, taking all our stuff with us. That’s a promise you can go to the bank on.

So stay strong, little guy, the US Cavalry’s on its way. The spring won’t be long passing, June and July will be gone and that ship will be in the sea outside your window before you know it. (Quick stop-off in Tel Aviv first to drop off a few 2,000lb bunker-busters since our Israeli friends are using them up real quick; a day or two in Haifa to replenish the IDF’s white phosphorous supply (that guy Netanyahu sure does love that stuff); and a bit of R&R for the crew so they can make some funny Tik Tok videos with their IDF buddies – we hear they’re real good at that.)

And the good news just keeps on coming. Trucks carrying digging vehicles and building materials are already making their way through the border checkpoints. But they’re not arriving as quickly as we’d like because of the gridlock caused at the crossings by the amount of aid trucks that aren’t allowed through and have to be moved out of the way for the trucks carrying the equipment for building a pier so that humanitarian can get in by sea. 

I hope that makes sense to you because I’m not sure it does to me. And I hope this finds you well. Or at least alive.

Regards,
Uncle Sam.

Where's Kate?

SQUINTER doesn’t know if the Princess of Wales, aka Kate Middleton has:

1. Been kidnapped.

2. Undergone cosmetic surgery which has gone terribly wrong.

3. Left her husband, the Prince of Wales, aka William Windsor.

4. Issued an ultimatum to William that they leave the royal family à la Harry and Meghan or she’ll stop opening garden centres and attending church services with his European cousins.

The pic that launched a thousand quips
2Gallery

The pic that launched a thousand quips

Squinter’s dirty secret is that he finds all this fascinating. He’d love not to, but when the News at 10 came on and it was the first item, he kept watching even though there was something on the other channel he’d been quite looking forward to. He’s not alone – loads of Irish republicans take a lively interest in the royal family, although few have the courage to admit it.

And he’s not alone in not understanding what the attraction is. Don’t worry, Squinter’s not going to say he has a soft spot for Charlie or anything. (He hasn’t been able to summon up the courage yet.)