WHEN Ashling Murphy was murdered the island of Ireland stood back from itself and had a moment of reflection.
As Ashling’s life was shared with us, we identified with her. A name so many of our loved one’s share – Aisling/Ashling or Murphy. A primary school teacher of First Class (P1s). A GAA player. A member of Comhaltas, proficient in music. She was any of us and all of us. She is what we want our daughters to be, and what many of our daughters are.
We stood back because we are on an island that has begun to face up to the heinous treatment of women since partition. We have closed rancid mother and baby homes and begun processes to make amends. In theory we have moved towards safe, accessible healthcare for women. We have left behind the social horror that harboured children for decades in institutional abuse. Outwardly we have said we are better than all that now. But when Ashling was murdered, we faced into the truth.
Women on this island are raped, beaten and murdered by Irish men every day of every year. In the meantime, the too-few women’s refuges exist on subsistence grants from year to year and the criminal justice system is deliberately ineffective.
When Ashling was killed, we had to face the ugliness that will not go away with any referendum campaign or trendy button badge. Violence against women is endemic. While Ashling appears to have been killed by a stranger, far too often violence is meted out to women in their own home and by those they know.
The reasons for men’s violence against women are many and complex. But we all know it and recognise it. From the minute we can walk alone, we know the threats that exist to us outside. For many of us who lived in homes where there was a threat of domestic abuse, in whatever form, we knew the unspoken and often useless ‘rules’ about what to do and say to try to avoid ‘provoking’ conflict.
Normalised lewd talk and jokes about women’s bodies and sexuality, disguised as banter, is part of the conditioning which makes violence permissible. It’s where it starts. If a woman is an object, it is easier to diminish her, punch her, rape her, or kill her. If in the past two weeks you have been awake you know that this is the conversation on all of our lips since Ashling’s murder. If you are not aware you either don’t care or you’re stupid. If perchance you were up in a Stormont bubble and missed everything about Ashling and the national outpouring, you were exposed to the highly publicised consultation on a strategy on violence against women. You might even have taken part in a photo op about it.
So don’t give me any bull about “changing” or “regret” if you sent a tweet, a WhatsApp message or anything else over the past two weeks which targeted or diminished women. Your ‘joke’ and ‘banter’ is part of the problem.
If you are found out or called out, your crocodile tears resulting from public exposure are transparent, self-indulgent and calculated. If we collude in those tactics, for whatever reason, we are also part of the problem. Call your mates out, and call your elected reps out. Enough is enough.
