"TOMMY, Tommy, Tommy, Brian Hayes had no business trying that score let alone sending it over the bar!"
"Paddy, the metal is in the microwave now and the sparks are flying in this Leinster Hurling Final."
And so, as we wound our way out of County Sligo into County Mayo, Sunday Sport, RTÉ’s weekly Panorama, entertained us with incomparable joy.
The previous week we had been in Croke Park watching Westmeath destroy the misplaced hope and ambition of a Dublin football team barely fit to wear the jersey. In hats, scarves and winter coats, thousands of Dubs walked out in assignation. My best friend, with drinks waiting in the new and disappointingly sanitary Handball Alley, suggested that she nearly felt glad for Westmeath. She is not a woman given to insanity, so when her infrequent moments of sentimentality get the best of her, we can do nothing but tear the life out of her. It was the only entertainment we got that day.
The next Sunday the Dubs’ other team, however, ran out into glorious sunshine in Parnell Park and defeated Kilkenny in the Leinster Championship for the first time since the Second World War and with Sunday Sport we could cheer in the car. “Listen to this, Tommy, you would swear we were on Hill 16”. “COME. ON. YOU. Boys in Blue” rang out from the car speakers with joy as the “Stripey men” realised their Championship season was shockingly over.
As we rounded into Westport the epic scale of Des Cahill and Marie Crowe’s four-hour sports odyssey was in full flow. Simultaneous talk about the Munster Semi-Final and the last day of action in England’s Premier League was only interrupted by horseracing and live hurdles. And the commentary was breathtaking from wherever it came. “If Des Kelly is listening he may come to Páirc Uí Caoimh to see this pitch and how carpeting is done." set the scene for us as Amhrán Na bhFiann was struck up. And remarking on the beautiful weather, “Last week it was ponchos, this week if the sellers have suncream and hats they can book their summer holidays early."
The match ended up a disappointment as Clare gave in early to Cork’s determination. It hadn’t started that way, though, as the commentary noted, “Of defending doesn’t break out soon, there will be no scores left on the score board.”
The poor soccer commentator Kevin had a task to match these worthy successors to Mícheál O Muirtheartaigh. He gave it a go though when giving pre-match analysis to the Tottenham-Everton match. A big decider for Tottenham who might have gone down had Everton turned up. Kevin had been hopeful for Everton and suggested that David Moyles could be manager of the season. Des and Marie had a field day and weren’t letting him off. Des started to rhyme off the actual nominees, not the least of whom had just brought Arsenal to their first championship since Nick Hornsby wrote Fever Pitch.
But it was Marie who delivered the coup de grace, gently but firmly suggesting Kevin had lost his head and needed the holiday of the end of the season. It was magnificent.
RTÉ faces its battles with public scrutiny, but as we rounded down into Connemara we were certain that there are few programmes delivering such excellence, with such professionalism, with such breadth, that can tell a nation who we truly are.
