HISTORICAL institutional abuse campaigner Margaret McGuckin has hit out at the lack of aftercare for victims following Friday’s public apology from the Executive and religious institutions.
Speaking to the Andersonstown News, Margaret, who was physically abused as a child in Nazareth House detailed the emotional turmoil that she suffered coming face to face with those who would deliver the apology on behalf of the Catholic Church.
“I am exhausted and I really am feeling it right now, but people have to know how we are feeling,” she said.
“I am numb and I feel as if I am drowning. I am running about shaking my head trying to get it all out of my head. Everybody thinks I am this big strong person but that was because I had to fight and I refused to take no for an answer.
“I have been campaigning from I did my first interview with the South Belfast News in 2008. We had a petition which we delivered to Stormont in 2009 and I thought that it would only take about a year or two years.
“At the beginning we just wanted an inquiry and investigation because I began to realise what had happened wasn’t our fault.”
The abuse that Margaret suffered led to her becoming involved in criminality. Margaret, who is originally from the Ormeau Road, gained the nickname 'Mad Maggie' and eventually went on to serve a number of stints in prison, which she believes is due to her inability to process what had happened to her.
“Nobody knows what was going on beneath the surface. They just thought that I was a real tomboy but that is not who I am. I didn’t know the mental effects of what went on in there could have on a person.
“I then heard other people out there talking about their experiences and it gave me a belief that I wasn’t mad, that I wasn’t bad and that there was an excuse for my behaviour.
“I was in and out of jail. I felt the lowest of the low because that is what I was told all my life.”
REBUILDING: Margaret at home this week
The emotional and mental turmoil has also meant that Margaret has often moved home as she feels that she is constantly running away from her past.
“I know it is something mentally as I cannot hang around. I am moving all of the time,” she said.
“I don’t know if I will ever settle. It ruins your life and I still find that I keep myself to myself because there is a lot of mistrust of people. I can get hurt dead easily and I have been running away from pain, from shame and from hurt all of my life.”
Margaret has expressed her disappointment at how long it took for the apology that they had asked for to come to fruition.
“This has been going on for nearly 15 years and we were passed from department to department up at Stormont.
“Peter Robinson and Martin McGuiness took it under their remit because they heard me in the media that much. We had the setting up of the inquiry. After Sir Anthony Hart found that there was systemic abuse and ordered that a compensation scheme be set up, the Assembly collapsed.
“Even to fight through that we had to take The Executive Office to the court to get the payment honoured. We had to demand and lobby for legislation with one Secretary of State after another refusing to do anything until Julian Smith came along.”
Margaret praised the former Secretary of State for taking up the baton and helping fight their case.
“I couldn’t give up because there were too many people around me, not forgetting my brother who needed to hear the words ‘I am sorry’.
“I didn’t know at the beginning of my campaign what my brother Kevin had gone through. It was only when he saw me on the TV that he began to open up and tell me what he had gone through.
“When I found that out, that is what gave me the righteous anger to continue. Then along the way I met Kate Walmsley and so many people began to contact me to seek support.”
Recalling how she felt while she was at Stormont on Friday, Margaret said that she couldn’t look across the room at the church representatives.
“Even though they had no veils, I could still see and hear the voices which triggered me. A cold, icy feeling came over us and I tried to close my eyes but when I heard the tone of their statement, it brought it all back.
“It wasn’t an accepted apology. The apology from the Executive Ministers was truly heartfelt but there was no emotion from those representing the religious orders."
Margaret said that the religious orders have yet to pay into the redress scheme which is something she has committed to keep fighting. She is also disappointed at the lack of mental health support for victims following the apology.
“On Friday I put out a tweet saying that I was mentally exhausted,” she continued.
“Siobhan O’Neill who is the Mental Health Champion got back to me and we are going to meet in April. There is going to be a downward slope as people now come to terms with what has happened to them.
“If this is how I am feeling, I don’t know how the rest of the victims are feeling. No one has contacted us to ask us how we are feeling after that apology, no one has asked if we are alright.
“Memories are just running wild and seeing representatives from the religious orders has brought that all back. Realistically, we felt like we were those children once again who were crying out to be listened to.
“Nothing will take away our pain and nothing will take away our suffering.”
