IT'S hard to believe that I am approaching three years without my mum. I've shared snippets of my grief journey before, but I honestly thought this year would be different. Perhaps less painful. I confess it isn't.
What I am learning about grief is that it appears to be here to stay. The sting of loss still lingers. They say that grief expresses the depth of love you had for your loved one, but for me, grief is no friend. I have now come to realise that the month of June (particularly the last couple of weeks) are especially difficult as my mind seems to transport back to those last painful days spent with my mum...
The day we were told she only had a couple of weeks to live.
The day she said she wanted to go to the beach one last time.
The day she said 'I'm ready to die.'
The day she screamed with the pain.
The day she was admitted to the Hospice.
The day my family (individually due to Covid restrictions) said goodbye to her and she told them she loved them.
The day she looked me in the eyes and said she was proud of me, and loved me.
The day I held her as she slipped away.
Such painful days. Such memories.
And yet, as I write this, news has just broke that 354 MPs voted to approve the Boris Johnson Partygate report. To be honest this intensifies the pain and loss, reminding us that those who were meant to lead well didn't. Instead, they partied and drank wine while we were restricted in the precious time we longed for to be with our dying loved ones. They partied while we grieved. They partied while we didn't even get to have a proper funeral.
Friends, I am aware that there are many of us who abided by the rules and lost precious time with our loved ones. So many of you have shared your stories with me and I have sobbed reading them all.
The pain is real.
The loss is deep.
The grief is horrendous.
But I believe God is present and surrounds us through all of this. He weeps with the broken and hurting. Isaiah 41:10 says" 'Fear not for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strenghten you, I will help you.'
I pray we take comfort in knowing that we don't walk this path alone. May God draw close and comfort us all.