A FRIEND of mine missed out on going on a trip to see the continent of Europe last summer because of the Covid-19 pandemic. Despite his disappointment he now has his sights set on going there next summer on a longer trip. When I saw him last week he was wearing earphones, had a phrase book in his hand and was mouthing foreign words with the help of phonetic symbols. His efforts jogged my memory for I remember a chap doing the same thing well over fifty years ago. A neighbour of ours had been working in Central Europe and had brought home a phrase book which covered many languages including the Queen’s English. (It might well have been the King’s then.) However, the English was very different from the language we used. I can still recall him saying: “I myself wash at eight hours.” and “In the garden of my uncle and of my aunt there are of plum trees and of peach trees.“ Of course, there were no recorders in those far off days but listening to my friend last week I'm not sure that much has changed. When I asked my friend what he was saying he told me he was practising the equivalent of “How are you?” in Spanish, French, Italian, Dutch, Norwegian and other languages too numerous to mention. I have to admit he has lofty ambitions. I did not want to dishearten him so I listened to him and congratulated him on his great achievements and then got off the bus. I had noticed other passengers giving queer looks in his direction as they listened to his strange utterings. On crossing the road a motorist wound down his window and shouted, “Wjatabout ye, mucker?” and on reaching the footpath another man said, “Howyeh?” It dawned on me that nobody says, “How are you?” in English except people who don’t know English and are using a phrase book and perhaps a recorder. Nearly all the people you meet regularly use a variation of ‘Howyeh’ but it is an empty greeting. They are not in the slightest way interested in how you are because they see you frequently and can make their own judgements just as they do about your sobriety when the pubs and clubs are open for business. It is when you meet people who haven't seen you for a while that the greeting takes on real meaning. I find this when I head down the country to a funeral. “How's the health?” “How's the heart?” These are psychological queries which don't really need an answer. A smile suffices. They are the equivalent of “It's good to see you.” There's no subtlety. A man might be eating well, sleeping well but still slicing his one iron drives on the golf course or gasping his way from payday to payday. He may have an appetite like that of a horse but it may be down to trudging around looking for a job. When a man drops in beside you and says,”Howyeh doin’?” you know he's seeking information. You can answer, “Everything I can.” Or you can counter, “How are things with yourself?” which might include the family, receding hairlines and/or receding bank balances.
